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Chapter Fifty-Four
The day of the wedding, Thomas rose before the crack of dawn to dress. Moonlight shone through the window as he was helped into his attire by his manservant, a set of candles further lighting the space.
A part of Thomas could not help feeling that something was off.
His disquiet wasn’t about Evelina, of course, he thought as his vest was buttoned into place.
“I am not quite ready to leave just yet,” Thomas told his manservant once he was dressed. “I have a few odds and ends to tidy in the study first. I shall meet the carriage accordingly.”
The manservant bowed his head and left the room. Thomas, as promised, retreated to his study.
It was dark here as well, but he lit a candle to see by. He had a bit of time, after all, as he and Mother would be sharing a carriage to the location of the ceremony, and she undoubtedly was not yet ready.
Thomas ran a hand over the back of the chairs in the seating area, reserved for guests—and more recently, visits from the Duke of Alderleaf, as they discussed future business opportunities together, now that their families were to be bound by this marriage. He could not shake the image from his head of Gerard sitting across from him here, mere months ago, as they discussed their ‘theories’ over what had brought about Father’s death.
It was sickening to him now that this study reminded him more of Gerard than Father himself. How unfair, that the killer could have left more of a mark in that way than the victim, the man Thomas had loved and respected and dreamed of emulating throughout his childhood.
“It will not always be like this,” came his mother’s voice from the doorway.
Thomas did not immediately turn around. “How did you know I would be in here?”
“I had an inkling,” said Mother. “You always come in here when you have something on your mind. Considering it is the day of your wedding, I would imagine you are thinking of a great many things.”
Thomas nodded. Then, after a minute, admitted, “I wish he was here.”
“Your Father?”
“Yes,” said Thomas. “But also…”
He didn’t say Gerard’s name. Mother didn’t offer it either. They let it sit, silently, between them.
“As I said,” Mother said instead, “it will not always be so difficult.”
“How can you feel that way?” Thomas said, turning around at last. The creases in Mother’s face were more pronounced with nothing but the candle to offer light. “How have you set aside what he did so quickly?”
“I haven’t set anything aside,” said Mother. “But I’ve been through grief before.”
“How can I be grieving when my Brother is not dead?” Thomas asked, but as soon as the question left his mouth, he found he already knew the answer. Or at least, he knew that he was grieving, even though he did not know the reason why.
He had felt similarly after Father’s death. Wondering whether things might have been different if he had still been in London. Missing the lost opportunities to learn from him in person, so that he might be more equipped to fill his shoes when the time arrived.
Now, it seemed Thomas was re-grieving Father alongside Gerard, the both of them—or the versions of them hethoughthe’d known—lost to him forever.
“It will help you to have Lady Evelina at your side,” Mother said, seeming to sense that Thomas’ question had been rhetorical.
Thomas’ thoughts turned, blessedly, to his bride-to-be. He longed to be by her side at that very moment, though she was undoubtedly still at Alderleaf Manor, being dressed herself for the events of the day to come.
Whenever he was in her presence, this awful, gaping hole inside of him was soothed, as she filled out all the parts of him that had been dulled or carved away by Gerard’s betrayal. Even when he and Evelina had had their first encounter at Vauxhall Gardens, Thomas had been able to sense the tremendous potential in their relationship. The rapport they shared, the way they’d been able to build off of one another. But more than anything, the way they had seen each other, so quickly, through and through.
Thomas felt he understood Evelina from the very beginning, or at least that he could come to understand her. He knew she had felt similarly; they’d discussed regularly since the engagement the intricacies of how their feelings had each developed.
If not for Evelina, Thomas had no idea how he would have made it through the past few months.
“You are right,” Thomas admitted, offering Mother a small smile. “Despite the pain I feel now, because of Lady Evelina, I can trust that our future shall hold brighter things.”
“Shall we go forward, in that case, and take the steps necessary to bring this future to fruition?” his mother prompted with a smile.
Thomas almost said yes, but hesitated at the last moment. “Give me a few more minutes. I shall meet you downstairs at the carriage promptly.”
