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CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
Fergus could see Edwina out at the gazebo from the library window, taking her afternoon tea, a book in her lap. Several times, he watched her look up from her book, take a sip of tea, look out over the lawn, then return to the pages. He had avoided her at breakfast, unable to bear seeing her after what happened the previous night. Avoiding her only made his yearning for her worse.
She had only been at Hillow House a week, yet he could not imagine the house without her presence. The whole place felt lighter, busier somehow. He constantly ran into servants in the halls, doing chores and running errands that he never saw them doing while he lived in the house alone. Flowers filled every room, the scent of peonies and sweet peas permeating the entire house. Despite the brief time she had been there, he knew that all the staff preferred her over him.
Simon entered the library, carrying the day’s ledgers and correspondence. He sat down at a table, laying them out, waiting for Fergus to join him. Fergus sighed, continuing to watch Edwina, unable to pull himself away.
“Something on your mind today, Your Grace?” Simon asked. Fergus did not know how to respond. He wanted to join Edwina out in the garden, soak up the sun, bask in her radiant beauty.
“The same thing as usual, Simon,” Fergus told him, turning finally. He sighed as he sat down at the table and ran a hand over his face. He felt more exhausted than usual, even though he slept through the night without waking once.
“You seem more pensive than usual,” Simon pointed out, opening one of the ledgers.
“How is that possible?” Fergus laughed, pulling the book over to him. Then, trying to read the numbers, he rubbed his eyes and laughed sardonically.
“Is it Lady Hillow?” Simon asked.
Fergus almost asked him who Lady Hillow was before he laughed again. “You may be the first to refer to her that way.”
“Did you sleep last night?” Simon asked, concerned.
“I did, actually. I slept well for the first time in a long time,” he confessed. “But I am exhausted, so I apologize for my distraction.”
Simon reached for the ledger and closed it for Fergus. “We do not have to do this now. Tell me what is on your mind.”
Fergus sighed deeply, worried to speak the words aloud as he had barely confessed them to himself. “I think I am falling for her.”
“That is wonderful!” Simon beamed, clapping him on his shoulder.
“No, you see, that is a problem.”
“No, I don’t see,” Simon argued, furrowing his brows at Fergus. “Why would it be a problem to fall for your wife?”
“Have you seen her? She is beautiful. She is kind. And I am me.”
Simon studied him for a second, pressing his fingers thoughtfully against his lips. “That still does not explain your concern.”
“I do not deserve her. If I fall for her, she holds all the power. She would have the ammunition to hurt me, wound me.”
“You think she would?” Simon countered. “You just told me that you thought her kind.”
“No one can be kind all the time, and I am the least deserving of her kindness.” Fergus stared down at the wooden table in front of him, the surface reflecting the image of him in his blue mask. He had worn a mask for so long that it felt a part of him.
“She wanted to see me without the mask,” Fergus sighed. “I could not let her. She assured me that I would not repulse her, but I know that to be a lie.”
“How?” Simon asked. “She has seen you without it before. Did she run in fear then?”
“No,” he confessed, “but she is too polite. It would wear on her, seeing the horrors on my face. It wears on me; I can barely look at myself. She cannot understand how thetontreated me. I know what people are like.”
“Have you considered that she might be different? She did not grow up among theton. She is more the daughter of a mechanic than a baron.”
A part of Fergus wanted to believe Simon. He had the same thought, that perhaps Edwina was different. Finally, however, he shook his head. “It is too big of a risk for me.”
“Have you considered sharing with her anything about your past?” Simon asked. “Does she know you were engaged before?”
“No,” Fergus said simply. “No, I cannot share those things with her.”
“I think you may find your wife more trustworthy than you think.”
