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Chapter Fifteen
HowWilliam had convinced Isaac out to a night at White’s—agentleman’s club that Isaac had repeatedly shown his contempt for—was still a mystery. Nevertheless, he was seated in a dark corner on the main floor with a glass of brandy before him and sulking.
I feel like a scoundrel, leaving Louisa alone to deal with my noted silence.
He took another sip of brandyand glared helplessly at the table.
She must think that I want nothing to do with her. How can I tell her that she is wrong? The words won't even form in my throat, much less pass my lips.
The truth was he felt as much for Louisa as she did for him, but it terrified him to utter those words.I love you,felt like a curse to him, one bent on taking his love and burning it. He had loved his parents, but they both had died. He had loved Helena, and she had ripped his heart out.
Louisa was too sweet to hurt him, but the fear still rested in his mind,and the urge to protect himself was like a barricaded wall around his heart. She had managed to gain access to itand had begun to heal some of the damage that rested there. If only he could show her—tell her—that it meant more to him than she could ever think it had.
Isaac hated cowards, despised the feeling of cowardice as muchas he hated backstabbers, but that was what he was turning into—a coward. How hard could it be to just speak three little words?
Very hardbecause how well had it worked for me in the past? Pain seems to always follow that word.
His self-hatred grew worse when he remembered the purehonesty in her eyes when he had admitted the words and how his mouth opened, but his throat has closed off.And even worse, he had said,Thank you for being so understanding, Louisa.
Had he read the Bard and Lord Byron for nothing? Surely—surely—there had to be some sensible words lingering in the vast reaches of his mind that he could say the next time he faced Louisa? Could a simple apology suffice?
William pulled out the seat across from Isaac and sat. “Montagu, Lord Islington just told me the most intriguing story—"
“Gossip, William?” Isaac said contemptuously. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Are you sure? It isabout little Miss Follet,” William said, forcing Isaac to look up with narrowed eyes.
“Is she dying?” Isaac asked.
“No.”
“Is she near to dying?”
William snorted. “No.”
“Then I don’t want to hear it,” Isaac said while throwing back the rest of his drink.
“Not even if she’s telling people that you are planning on courting her again?” William said with an arched brow.
Isaac felt no surprise at all from William’s words. “Don’t look at me like that. No, I am not and will never even consider courting her; I may be lovesick, but I am not a fool.”
“L-l-lovesick?” William’s jaw dropped. “When did that come about?”
Realizing what he had just uttered—and the solid conviction that settled in his heart afterhe uttered that word—Isaac stood. “Pardon me, William. I have to leave.”
“Montagu—”
But Isaac was halfway across the floor. He had to get home before the cowardice came back toeat away at his confidence. When his carriage came around, he directed the driver to hurry home.Almost a week had passed since they had been intimate, and he cursed his insecurities for it.
“She deserves better,” he muttered to himself. “Much better than to be ignored for nearly a sennight.”
And much better than a broken man.His traitorousmindtaunted him.
Louisa knew that he was broken in so many ways, but she still did not shy away from him, and that was all Isaac needed. He had to remind himself that she was broken too—but she still pushed through, and the smile on her face had rarely faltered. He needed that, that sense of cheer and peace within himself.
He counted the minutes until he arrived home and arrived just before midnight—only to have him slump in his seat. Undoubtedly, Louisa would be asleep, but could he wait until the next day to see her? He stepped into his chambers, disheartened,while wondering what to do.
It would raise eyebrows if he had the housekeeper summon her for him, and he would not dare try and navigatethrough the servants’,hall to find her room. It stung him, but he had to wait until the next day. Thankfully, dawn was only six hours away.
