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Think before you act!I scold myself.
Remember Oma’s wise words, ‘Act in haste, repent in leisure.’
I need to calm my libido down and think things through.
Okay, rational thoughts...
Values… which ones are still important to me?
I decide to ask Google’s algorithm to enlighten me more on the subject. Not surprisingly, a long list of entries opens up, and I randomly click on an article.
‘… Values are the things we care about most. They guide us like the railway tracks guide a train and keep us heading in the right direction…’
Until this point, I’ve never questioned the direction I was taking with men and relationships. I wonder now if it’s because I’ve never met anyone to challenge my views.
I date stable, predictable men and stay far away from the playboy type. While Tiero first gave off that vibe, I’ve since come to realize there’s more depth to him than I first thought.
Sure, he wants to get into my pants, and last night, he had ample opportunities to seduce me, and I could tell he wanted to. But he has reined in his desire to give me space and time to want this as much as he does.
So he doesn’t really fit either category. Is it any wonder I find myself thrown in the deep end, unsure of what to do?
Where do I stand emotionally and mentally with the breed of man I’m currently facing?
I take a deep, steadying breath—it takes me out of my immediate lust fog and helps me to focus on the bigger picture.
Where do I want my train to take me?
‘… We sense the logic of values in our head but then must commit them to action through our hands, and lastly we feel the sense of them in our heart…’
At the word ‘hands’, my mind jumps to memories of last night without warning… Tiero’s strong hands caressing my body. The desire I just reined in swirls to life again.
My head tells me I don’t do casual sex. But my heart sings at the thought of Tiero’s body covering mine.
What do I value? What’s important to me?
I tap my lower lip as I think.
In general, top on my list would be compassion and helping others, respect for people, the environment… life itself, really. And then there’s courage… though often I’m sorely lacking in it—maybe that’s why I value it so much?
In terms of relationships, what would make my top three?
Hmm, I contemplate for a moment, thinking back to Don and Marco, and what I learned from my relationships with them after they were over. The answer is easy. Loyalty, faithfulness and integrity are what’s essential to me.
But what I have with Tiero isn’t a relationship. It’s not like we’re dating. It’s a holiday fling that will end in a few days. So, I really can’t judge it by that standard.
I read on,‘… Values mean nothing unless we consistently act on them and hold them in our hearts. The task is to look for opportunities to celebrate actions that align to these values and also to ensure that in everything we do, we aspire to live them…’.
But my head and heart are not in agreement.
My head insists no, while my heart screams yes.
Isn’t the saying ‘Follow your heart’? I want to… because I really really want this man.
I want to experience everything he has to offer, even if it’s only short-lived or maybe because of it. I think Rhia has a point. I’ll regret it if I don’t.
And well, one of my values is courage. Perhaps it’s the courage to follow my heart.
Why stick to a no-casual-sex rule when all I want is to have sex with him?
