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Luke was snoring softly by the time I closed his door. I made a final check of the apartment—ensuring that all the windows were locked, and that the balcony security bar was engaged—and then got ready for bed myself. The ball of anxiety in my stomach had grown three sizes since the game, and having to sleep by myself only made things worse. Everything had changed, and sayingI love youto Luke had only made things worse. I could see that with the perfect clarity of someone who had made a mistake and now couldn’t do anything about it.
I closed my eyes and spooned my spare pillow. It was a poor substitute for the big athlete that I had grown used to sleeping next to. My mind raced with thoughts about Luke, and the upcoming Super Bowl, and the job in Berlin that was everything I had ever wanted. Everything I had wanted until I came to Utah, that is. I still had no idea what to do. I felt even more lost than before, like I was swimming in circles in an endless ocean of doubt.
After half an hour, I got up and went to the kitchen to take some Tums to try to settle the acid rolling around in my stomach. After chewing the chalky tablets, I stared at Luke’s bedroom door. I wanted to talk to him, to get everything out in the open. To pour my soul out to him again, but more sincerely this time. It had been selfish of me to drop the L-bomb on him before a huge game, and he was right to put it out of his mind. We needed to have that discussion again, in a different setting. When he would be more receptive.
I clung to that hope, but deep down I knew it was futile. If Luke didn’t sayI love youwhen I said it, then there was no chance he would do so a day later. I was grasping at straws.
I started to go back to my own room, then stopped when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was a yellow sheet of paper from a notepad, taped to the back of the front door, next to the peep hole. I took a step toward it and saw that it was a folded note. With my name written on it.
I yanked it off the door and read it. The first part of the note made my heart soar. The second half made me gasp. The note fell to the floor as I ran to his bedroom, throwing open the door and feeling around for the light switch. There was no way he had done this. I refused to believe—
The light came on, revealing an empty room.
Luke was gone.
26
Luke
For the first time since all of this began, I knew what I had to do.
I played the part at the club, slurring my words and dancing like the world’s worst white guy. I let Cazzie guide me to bed, then I quietly listened to her as she went into the guest bedroom and turned out the light. I counted down from six hundred in my head, because I knew it always took her about ten minutes to fall asleep.
When I was sure she was in bed for good, I slid out of bed and wrote two notes on my notepad. Two very different notes with very different purposes.And hopefully only one of the two gets read tonight.
I dressed silently, taped one of the notes to the front door, and then slipped out of the apartment—taking care to twist the handle so that it closed without making a sound. Even still, I paused in the hallway to make sure Cazzie didn’t stir before going downstairs.
Outside the front entrance of my apartment building, the wind was biting and my breath puffed into a cloud in front of my face. I scanned the road, and the parking lot across the street. It was too dark to see anything.
I hope you’re watching, whoever you are.
I stretched dramatically, holding out the second note in my hand. To someone watching, it would be as obvious as if I were waving a yellow flag. Slowly, so my movements would be clear, I tucked the note under the foot of the trash can next to the door.
Then I put my hands in my coat pockets and went for a walk.
It was just after midnight. That’s when the patrol car across the street left to get taco bell and a coffee refill at the nearby gas station. I had noticed it one night after coming back from a post-game celebration, and had gotten up in the middle of the night a few times since then to check. They did it like clockwork—always five minutes after midnight. And sure enough, when I walked by their usual parking spot, the unmarked car was gone.
I breathed a sigh of relief and continued down the sidewalk. It occurred to me that this was the first time I had been out in public without Cazzie by my side. It gave me a sense of danger, even though I knew I was relatively safe. Whatever this guy was about, one thing was clear: he didn’t want to kill me. He could’ve done that in my apartment, but he chose to threaten me instead. He only cared about how I could affect the outcome of a game.
He also tried to break my arm in the parking garage. I tried not to think about that.
It took about ten minutes to walk to Brigham Young Park. I had been here once when I first moved to Salt Lake City, and one of my teammates invited me for coffee while he walked his dog, but I hadn’t been back since. The park was the right combination of secluded and open. Two people meeting here wouldn’t attract attention. I found a bench in the middle of the park, flanked by tall bushes that gave a little bit of privacy. I brushed off the snow from the bench and sat down.
Then I waited.
I had spent the last four weeks thinking about my priorities in life. What mattered the most to me? What were the secondary things that I thought were important? What didn’t matter at all? These were questions I hadn’t bothered to think about until Cazzie got that job offer in Berlin. That put things into perspective for me in a new, harsh way. That and, you know, the attacker threatening me.
Football was important to me, of course. It was all I had ever known since I was five years old and put on my Pop Warner uniform. Integrity mattered, too. I wanted to play the game the right way, without cheating. I wanted my name to carry respect. But those weren’t themostimportant things to me. My family was. Mom, Momma, and my three sisters who I loved despite all their annoyances and faults. If anything happened to them, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. It would destroy me. I would do anything in my power to protect the women in my life.
Including Cazzie. Even if she does move to Germany.
Now that we were going to the Super Bowl, it was all so clear to me. The Stallions had won the last two without me. It wouldn’t hurt anything if I didn’t have the best performance of my life. I couldn’t put the people I loved in danger any more, not when I had the power to stop it. We were traveling to Los Angeles for the Super Bowl in three days. Tonight might be my last chance to ensure their safety.
If he gets my note,I thought while shivering.And if he decides to come.
Five minutes went by. Then ten. I tried to make myself relax, but it felt like a sniper was training their sights on me at that very moment. I was used to being in the spotlight with a dozen cameras aimed at me, but this was a different sensation altogether.
Motion to my left. I relaxed when I saw that it was a man and a woman walking a dog. They were taking their time, letting the dog sniff every single bush along the path. I silently willed them to hurry up. My attacker might get spooked if he saw other people around.
