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All I’d have to do is reach up and grab his collar. Stretch the fabric to its breaking point, and with one ripping motion, his chest would be bare to me. I could trace the outline of every muscle with my fingertips. Or better yet, with my tongue. Find out exactly what he’s hiding under the cheap cotton.
Does he have more tattoos?
Is he as sculpted as I imagine he is?
“Drea,” Jay whispers softly as he leans in, his breath mingling with mine. “I want to kiss you. I need to know there’s still something between us. There’s no one standing in our way except us.”
And the memories of my dead best friend. His dead girlfriend.
“It’s too late,” I state firmly.
“Too late for what?”
“For us. For this. Too much time has passed. There are too many things weighing on me still.”
“The guilt doesn’t go away, Drea. It never will. I feel it, too. I’m choosing to find happiness to drown out the guilt. To move on with my life because you never know how long you have. If there’s anything we can learn from Sam’s death, let it be that. Life is short. Live it to its fullest while you can. She was a free spirit. She lived. She would want you to do the same, no matter who you choose to be with.”
Jay places his finger beneath my chin again and raises my head until I’m getting lost in his gorgeous hazel eyes. The blue around his irises’ glimmers in the dull light of the lamp.
I want to tell him yes. I want to choose him. I want to see if there’s still something more between us.
More than anything, I want him to kiss me to prove thereisstill something there.
There’s no denying I can feel it. My heart wants him. It always has. As much as I tried to ignore the nagging feelings of lust, they never went away. Never dulled. Even when I’d see him kiss Sam. Or when she ‘would show up at my apartment, freshly ravished.
My heart still yearned for him. To be with him. To claim him as mine.
After five years, I was hoping that feeling would have subsided. Seeing him again has done the exact opposite. The feelings I spent years pushing away, hiding from, have been rejuvenated. My heart feels like it’s beating again for the first time since I left here.
All because of him.
The one man I want but still won’t allow myself to have.
No amount of time will be enough to erase the guilt for the way I feel. About him. About what happened.
The guilt over the part I played in Sam’s death.
The guilt over wanting Jay. Over kissing him.
Of not telling Sam the truth. Lying to her every time she asked me what was wrong. Why I didn’t want to hang out. Why I wouldn’t give guys a chance.
I wasn’t a good friend to Sam. I was the worst kind of person. A liar and a cheat.
She deserved so much better in a best friend. She deserved someone who had her best interest at heart, the way she had theirs. Someone who cared about her feelings more than their own.
I wasn’t that person when she was alive, but I can be that person now. I can put aside the longing and focus on finding justice for the wrongs that have been committed.
Instead of answering Jay, my lips part and nothing comes out.
He searches my eyes for the answer I can’t put into words. The truth. My confession. Whatever he sees causes him to release my chin and slowly back away, letting himself out without a word.
Just like the last time he walked away from me.
And my reaction to his departure is identical. My tears flow freely as I stare at the door he just closed behind him. Silently begging Sam for forgiveness that I don’t deserve. Praying that my love for her will at some point outweigh the love I’ve been carrying around for him.
