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I don’t want anything lost in translation.
“We could do that, or we could …” Her voice trails off as she wiggles her eyebrows at me.
“You know, I like the way you think.” After kicking her door closed so we’re not interrupted again, I move to kneel in front of her. “Let’s play a game.”
“What kind of game?”
“A get-naked version of twenty questions.”
“I could go for that,” she agrees as I slip off her right shoe, followed by her left, throwing them in the corner.
“First question. Why is your scholarship so important?”
Lex’s brow wrinkles in confusion as she stares down at me. “What kind of question is that?”
“I want to get to know you better. I want to understand you. You keep saying your scholarship is everything to you. That you’re risking it to be with me. I need to know why.”
“I don’t think I like this conversation.”
I don’t either, and I’m suddenly regretting starting it, but since the tension in the room has already skyrocketed …
“I get that you’re smart, Lex. That you worked really hard to earn your scholarship. That’s why you live in the dorms. It’s why you study so hard. But what if you lost it? Then what?”
“I can’t lose it,” she says with determination in her voice.
“And I don’t think you will. But what if?” I press.
“I don’t know. Everything is riding on this scholarship. If I lose it... I have nothing.” Her voice cracks as she looks down at where my hands are resting on top of her thighs.
“That’s not true. If you lose it, you still have me. You have your friends.”
“But I don’t have school.” Her voice hitches but she doesn’t stop. “I don’t have a degree. I don’t have a career. My scholarship is the one thing holding my dreams together. If I lose it, I lose everything. I can’t go back home!”
When I lift her chin, there are tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. I knew this wouldn’t be an easy conversation to have but I didn’t think I’d make her cry. She’s not an overly emotional girl. She’s a fighter. She fought me at the party when I was hitting on her. Fought me the next morning when it was clear she could see how aroused I was. And she tried to fight me when I wanted to continue what we started in the privacy of our tent that night.
“What’s back home?”
“A life I don’t want to talk about.” Her voice is barely above a whisper and laced with despair as she bows her head again.
“Was it that bad? Because you can tell me and it’s not going to change anything between us, but it might help me understand you a little better.”
“Am I that complicated?”
“No, but I know me, and I’ll probably push you to your limits. I need to know what they are.”
She’s shaking her head even as she starts talking. “My father left when I was six. My mom remarried, had two more kids, and my stepdad is an asshole. I’m not his so I don’t matter. They work to survive, live paycheck to paycheck, and support my brothers but neither of them give a shit about me. I’m the outcast. The obligation. My mother’s baggage.
“If I hadn’t gotten a scholarship, I wouldn’t be in college. If I screw up, lose my scholarship, I have no place to go. No home. Because I’m not welcome back there. Which is why I don’t go home for summer break. Or winter vacation. I literally have nothing except the few things I own in this room, my scholarship, and a prayer that I make it through undergrad and grad school so I can take care of myself. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Not even close.
Because my family is wonderful. It pisses me off that her parents haven’t shown her the love she deserves.
She shouldn’t feel like an outcast or alone. She shouldn’t have to struggle.
It makes me want to take care of her. To make sure she has everything she’s ever dreamt of. The things money can buy and the stuff it can’t.
The ache in my chest grows, but I resist the urge to rub it. She needs me to be strong right now. For her.
