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Which is why I wait until the last second to walk in on Monday. I'm no closer to having answers to my own questions. I spent all day yesterday pretending to study. I tried to work on my thesis, but every time I opened the document, I started crying.
Everything about it reminds me of Julian.
Thoughts of Julian make me cry.
Crying over Julian reminds me it's my fault.
And the circle continues. Round and round I went.
I emailed my professor, letting him know I have been overly confident in my thesis and that it will be another week before he should expect it. I have plenty of time. It's not due until the end of the semester, but since I don't plan to return to the restaurant, I thought I'd turn it in and get it over with. One less thing to think about, worry about.
Only I can't seem to have a coherent thought about food without breaking down.
Yesterday wasn't a lot of fun for me.
And neither is what lies ahead of me.
The door slams behind me at the same moment the professor whacks the gong with his mallet. It used to startle me every time, but I've gotten used to the sound.
Apologizing as I make my way down the aisle, attempting not to step on anyone’s feet, I smile at my classmates, but they're all focused on the professor who's started his lecture already.
I feel him staring at me the closer I get.
Ignore it, Piper.
Finally reaching my seat, I immediately pull out a notebook and train my eyes on the front of the classroom. It's hard to concentrate on the lecture when I know Julian is staring at me, but I was expecting this. I prepared for it.
Not really. But I did give myself a nice pep talk out in the hall.
"Do you remember the first day of class?" the professor asks.
Of course I do, I want to scream. It was the beginning of the end for me.
"I scared you with the gong, and then I told you to pick a partner." Oh shit. "Before the end of the first week, I asked you to pick one of two topics. Your partner was required to pick the other." I have a bad feeling about where this is headed. "If you haven't noticed, everything you've done in this class builds on the last thing you've done. Now it's time to bring those ideas together and begin working on your final project. You have four weeks to put together your presentation. I'll grade them, and the last week of class the top three will be presented. This is your exam, fifty percent of your grade. Hold your partner accountable. Make sure they put in the work. You can start right now."
I hear everyone begin to shuffle around me, but I keep my eyes trained straight ahead on my professor. He's gathering his things to leave. I want to do the same. I can't deal with this right now. I can't work with Julian. Maybe he can find me another partner. Maybe someone will switch with me.
"Piper."
God, the way he says my name still makes butterflies take flight. Not that it matters.
"I can't do this with you." My voice is strong, my choice of words weakening the statement.
Grabbing my bag, I hug my notebook to my chest as I turn to leave. Julian's hand on my forearm stops me, my swift inhale the only reaction I can't control.
"Can't or won't?"
"Right now, both."
"What about tomorrow?"
"I'll see you Wednesday," I shoot back, finally forcing my feet to move.
The same students I shuffled past five minutes ago are glaring at me as they make room for me to leave. Once I hit the aisle, I practically sprint out of the room and down the hall. I don't stop until I'm back at my dorm, safely hidden in my room.
That's when the first of many tears fall.
Because I did exactly as I made myself promise during my pep talk. I didn't look in his direction. I didn't let his proximity affect me. I didn't inhale the scent I've become all too familiar with, one that belongs to Julian and only him.
And I regret not doing those things.
I regret not saying I'm sorry.
I regret walking away from him the same way he walked away from me.
And I'm going to have to do it all again on Wednesday, only I'll have to look at him. I'll have to interact with him. My grade in this class depends on it, and so does his.
