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"You sound like you've changed your mind. And if you have, that's okay." He gives my thigh a reassuring squeeze as the waitress returns. She reads over the house specials, and instead of commenting on Leo's statement after she walks away, I study the menu.
After we've ordered, we fall into easy conversation, both of us acting as if the night isn't going to go as planned after dinner is over.
"What do your parents do?"
"My mom is the principal at my high school. My dad is the CEO of a major investment firm. He travels all over the country. In fact, he left for Japan the other night, and he'll be gone for ten days."
"Traveling like that would be fun. Have you ever been able to go with him?"
"Last summer I went to Italy with him. It wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be. He left me to explore on my own mostly. My mom was supposed to go with us, but my grandma got sick, so she ended up staying behind. She normally travels with him during summer break when she can."
"Italy's on my bucket list. And France. England. I really just want to see all of Europe. It's always fascinated me."
"What about your parents?"
"My mom would help my dad at his office if he needed it, but otherwise, she stayed home with us. My dad was a lawyer." Swallowing the lump in my throat, I barely squeak out the words. "Thanksgiving will be our first holiday without him."
"I'm sorry. How's your mom doing? How are you doing?"
"I'm okay, I think. Mom seems to be dealing with it better these days. She's going to her book club again, and she picked up a part-time job at the grocery store. I think she was getting lonely at the house with me gone now."
I doubt she'd ever admit that to any of us. She's put on a brave face since the funeral, dealing with it better than anyone else. I'd hear her cry at night, though. After the house fell silent and she thought I was asleep, the sound of her weeping felt like it would echo off the walls.
"And Max?"
Laughing feels wrong, but also the most natural reaction. "He's not dealing with it. I swear he's holding onto the pain. He pretends to be fine, but I can see the sorrow in his eyes. Every time he came home this summer it was like looking into a shell of the person he used to be. Max is good at shutting down his emotions, separating himself from reality. It's going to sneak up on him and bring him down eventually."
I'm scared for Max. Because when it does happen, when he finally feels the world around him crash down, it's going to be ugly.
"My sister, Willow, kind of distracted him. She started dating his best friend right after the funeral."
"Finn?"
"Yeah. She was in love with him for years, and I think losing our dad made her realize that time is precious. She stopped being afraid of how she felt."
"What about you?"
Leo slowly turns in the booth and we're now sitting face to face, my back pressed against the wall.
"What do you mean?"
"Have you had your moment yet?"
"My moment?"
"The one where you break down. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, but I can only imagine it's the hardest thing to deal with. You don't want to believe they're really gone, that you're living in a bad dream. Only you wake up and realize it's real. There's nothing you can do to change it."
Yes, I've had my moment. It was ugly too. I'm glad no one was around to see it.
"Have I accepted my dad is gone? Yes. I've cried, and I'm trying to move on the way he would want. To live my life the way I want to live it. Without regrets or reservations. With happiness in my heart. To make him proud."
The left side of Leo's mouth lifts in a smile. He's about to say something when the waitress arrives with our dinner.
"On the house tonight, courtesy of the chef," she says as she walks away.
"Ah! You have friends in high places," I state as I place my napkin in my lap.
"I have no idea who the chef is here." Leo's glancing around, his shoulders tense.
