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Chapter43
Moira
It’s been almost three weeks since we got back from California, but it feels more like a year. Summer holidays have officially ended, and the kids are back in school. There was a whirlwind of back-to-school shopping for shoes and clothes, as well as school supplies, which was a great distraction. The added bonus was the kids weren’t begging to see Ethan or go out to the lodge every day.
I haven’t been this torn up inside since my mother left us. The truth is, I love Ethan, and I don’t know how to make myself stop. He was the man I was thinking of when I made my vision board, and he was offering me a life together. But I turned it down because I was too damn scared to try to find a compromise.
I know I won’t fit in where he’s from, but maybe there’s a way to find a middle ground. I have no idea what that might look like, but I at least owe it to myself (and him, and the boys) to try, don’t I?
The thing is, I have no idea how to tell him that since he’s gone out of his way to avoid me for the past few weeks. I think I have to accept the fact that I blew it with him. It’s over, and I’m definitely going to spend the rest of my life regretting it.
If that isn’t enough, the things I said to Harper swirl around my brain. I didn’t mean any of that stuff about her having a nanny or her life being so easy, and I wish I could take it all back. But the truth is, I’m also hurting from what she said. Calling me a martyr, telling me I didn’t try.
After obsessing over it for weeks on end, I realize she’s not entirely wrong. Yet, she still jumped to conclusions before she had all the facts. She didn’t even give me a chance to explain before she decidedI’mthe bad guy.
Each day, I wake up with a tightening in my chest, knowing I have to fix things with Harper, and I’d better do it before the wedding. The problem is, I barely have the energy to get through all the things I have to do in a day, let alone go find her so we can have an emotional conversation.
Ed’s biopsy results came back as positive for cancer, so he and Edna are in Anchorage for his first round of treatment, which means I’m truly on my own without any help with the boys at the moment. This means bringing them with me to the diner before school, so I can make sure they get on the bus in time. The bus drops them back here after school.
I look over at my boys, sitting at table six, looking worn from the back-to-school grind. They’re supposed to be doing homework, but instead they’re trying to see who can blow the paper off their straws farther.
I decide that even though I may not be able to fix things between Ethan and me, I definitely need to try to patch up my relationship with Harper.
By the time I have the boys loaded in the car to go out to the lodge, I’m a bundle of nerves. I hope Harper is willing to listen and to forgive me.
When we pull into the parking lot, the boys take off in search of Lily and Liam while I take a minute to give myself a pep talk. Internally, I do the whole “Give me an M! Give me an O! Give me an I …” After spelling out my whole name, I’m ready to look for Harper. I don’t have to search for long, either. She’s in the front office, sitting behind the desk doing some paperwork.
I knock gently on the open door, and notice that when she looks up, her face falls a little.
“Is now a good time for me to apologize?” I hurry to ask.
She stands up from her chair and walks over with her arms outstretched. “I’m sorry. I never should have said any of that,” she tells me as we hug.
“Me, too,” I say, choking back a sob. “I didn’t mean any of that. I know how much you love your kids and that you’ve always been a hands-on mom.”
“And I never should have said that stuff about you being a martyr. You’ve been through so much. Of course, it’s hard for you to trust someone again,” she says, rubbing my back.
We finally let go of each other. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I say, “Thank God that’s over. I’ve really missed you.”
“Same! I’ve wanted to call you at least a thousand times a day, but I was just so scared you wouldn’t talk to me.”
“You’re going to be my sister-in-law, which in my book is as good as being my sister. I’ll nevernottalk to you, Harper,” I tell her with a smile. “Being that we’re going to be family, we have to forgive each other more quickly from now on.”
“Deal. And I promise to try to stay out of your business from now on,” Harper says with a firm nod.
“Thank you.” I pause before forcing myself to admit the truth. “But, you may not have been totally wrong about things.”
A flicker of hope sparks in her eyes. “Really?”
“Yeah. I pushed Ethan away. Hard. I just got so scared …” My voice trails off and tears fill my eyes again. “I convinced myself that he didn’t love me, and honestly, now, I’m not sure he ever could. Not after what I put him through.”
“I think you two can still work this out. I’ve never seen him this upset, and I’ve seen him through more than one big break-up. That has to mean something.”
She’s giving me hope that I might mean as much to him as he means to me. “I’ve made such a mess of everything.”
“Messes can be cleaned up,” she tells me with a smile.
I chew on my bottom lip, terrified at the thought of admitting to him that I was wrong.
