AllFreeNovel
Share Us
She’s right. Just like always, she knows me better than I know myself.
“I will never be able to give you anything new because all your firsts…you’ve experienced with my brother. This is the only thing I can offer you, moving away and starting new…” He looks away, unable to meet my eyes because I am sure he can see the uncertainty swimming within. “I just feel like I’m trying so fucking hard to make you love me. You asked me once if we were stupid to think this could work. Maybe…we are.”
“No,” I cry, trying my best to keep it together. “Please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me.”
But what he says next tears me apart. “I’m not…You’re leaving me. Until you figure out your feelings for Sam, I can’t be around you. It hurts. So much. You’re ripping my heart out.” Tears cascade down my cheeks and never have I felt more ashamed of myself than I do right now. “I can’t stand back and watch him steal you from me. Not again.”
“I don’t want him,” I rush to say, begging him to believe me because it’s the truth. “I want to be with you.”
“And I want to be with you. But not like this. Not when you’re torn. I saw the way you danced together—you were in step without a second thought. I see the way he looks at you. I see the way you look at him. And the way you run to his aid time and time again. He’s a part of you.” I attempt to argue, but he sighs—a true sound of surrender. “Deny it all you want, but you know I speak the truth. There’s a longing there, and there are memories, so many memories. Ones which I can never live up to. I should have done this a long time ago—” he swallows, breaking my heart over and over again “—but I hoped I’d be enough.”
Rushing forward, I can’t allow him to think this way, so this time, I’m the one on my knees, pleading for him not to do this. “Youaree-enough. You’re more than enough.” Sobbing into my hands, I shake my head. “Please…don’t. I c-can’t…I can’t…” But no words can ever explain the agony wracking my mind, body, and soul. I did this. No one to blame but me.
Saxon drops to his knees and scoops me into his arms. He consoles me, which just makes me feel worse. What the hell am I doing? I have no doubt of my love for him, but this small voice, this miniscule seed of doubt unmasks the truth.
I wanted to believe that what I felt for Sam was normal behavior. It was me getting over him, over us, but this heaviness in the pit of my stomach doesn’t seem to be going away.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was gathering the courage to tell you because I wanted to create as many memories, happy ones I can revisit when, well, when it came to this. I love you, Lucy. So fucking much. And that’s the reason…I’m letting you go. I’ve learned that when people walk away from you, you let them go.”
“No, I refuse to accept that. I will always find my way back to you,” I whisper in the nook of his neck.
He hums, tightening his hold on me. “I fell in love with you because you loved me when I didn’t love myself. It’s now my turn to do the same. I’ll stay in a hotel tonight, so we can both clear our heads. I have a few things to take care of anyway.”
“When do you have to make a decision?” I ask, but my voice sounds so far away.
“The paperwork is all done. I just have to sign. I wanted to speak to you first. I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner.” He kisses the crest of my head, inhaling me.
All the secrecy now makes sense. He was just prolonging the inevitable. Hoping for one more moment in time. My heart is ripped from my chest, and I can’t breathe.
“Sax, I am so sorry. I thought she knew.” Sam is clearly remorseful, but it’s too late.
“It’s fine. This is all on me. Can you make sure she gets home okay?” I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing this was all a bad dream.
“You’re not coming back with us?”
“No.”
“Dude, I think you should—”
But Saxon doesn’t want to hear a word. “Please, Sam, just promise me.”
“I promise.” Why do I feel that pledge carries a burden so great, it has the ability to change the world as we know it?
So here I am—between brothers once again. But this time, the line isn’t as clear. Regardless, I am no damsel in distress. I may want to forget the world as I know it, but it’s my world, and I intend to own up to all my errors.
Unfolding myself from Saxon’s arms, I slowly stand and wipe away my tears. This is the one thing I can do right. “I can get home myself.” And I will.
Two Days Later
Dear Diary,
My heart can’t take it any longer. Saying I merely miss Saxon seems so mediocre because I can’t even think his name without wanting to curl into a ball and forget the world exists.
After everything Sam has done, I should hate him. I know that I should. But I don’t. I know most will say I’m weak, nothing but a doormat to allow him back into my life, but put yourself in my shoes. What would you do?
It’s hard to hate someone clearly trying to make amends.
He’s been kind, caring, everything he once was, everything I once loved, and although I am beyond thankful, I just want to be left alone.
