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It’s been radio silence from Saxon. We both evidently need time to digest what exactly went wrong. The time apart is torture, but it’s what I need. I shouldn’t be torn…but I am. I think my mom and Saxon are right. I do… love Sam. It makes me sick to write that down. My gluttony knows no bounds.
I’m not in love with Sam—not how I once was, that much I’m sure of, but I do love him. Maybe until I figure out what that love means, this is the best place to be.
Saxon deserves nothing but my entire heart, and until I can give him that, I have to stay away. I can’t hurt him anymore. So that leaves me alone with Sam, attempting to figure out what my feelings for him mean.
A knock on the door interrupts my personal thoughts, ones I’m not proud of. But they’re there just the same. “I brought you some dinner. You haven’t eaten in two days.” Sam stands in the doorway carrying a plate.
“Thanks,” I say with a strained smile as I close my diary. He enters quietly, passing me the sandwich. My stomach clenches at the thought of eating, so I go to place it on the bedside table, but pause to see it’s filled with others just like it.
Sighing, I dump it beside me.
“You need to eat.” He sits at the foot of the bed, nothing but concern clouding him.
“I know. But the thought of eating…makes me want to throw up.” On cue, my stomach growls, and the nausea rises.
Sam runs a hand over his stubble, which has me wishing he’d shave. He looks too much like Saxon, and my brain and heart can’t take it.
“Have you called him?”
I can’t hide my utter grief. “No.”
“Here.” He digs into his jeans pocket, producing his cell. “Call him. Talk to him. I’m sure you can work out whatever is going on.” But that’s the problem—I don’t know what’s going on, and until I figure it out, it’s best I stay away.
I never thought I’d see the day when Sam would encourage me to make amends with Saxon, but he’s been doing just that for the past two days.
“Thank you. Really. But I have my own phone to call him on.” I lower his hand because his offering is making me want to vomit all over again.
“Then why don’t you? You’re both miserable.”
“I’m sure he’s fine. He’s the one who decided to stay at a hotel.” I completely understand why, but it seemed a lot easier for him to walk away first.
“Yes, which doesn’t make any sense. I wish you’d tell me what happened,” Sam says, eyebrows knitted together. I draw my knees to my chest.
There is no way I will ever divulge the reason. I don’t need any more complications. If Sam found out, it would ruin all the progress we’ve made as friends. I’m the one who can’t seem to accept this newfound friendship, not Sam.
“Just stuff. Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. Go see Alicia. There’s no point in both of us being miserable.” I go to shoo him away, but then freeze when he looks like he’s just swallowed lead. “What’s wrong? I promise my bad mood isn’t contagious.” Not the best time to be making jokes, but I can’t stomach all this doom and gloom.
He tugs at a loose thread on the duvet. “I think she hooked up with some dude on the night of her birthday. She’s been avoiding me ever since.”
“Why do you think that?” I’ve been so self-absorbed, I haven’t even noticed he’d been off.
“’Cause I saw her in a compromising position before I left. Doesn’t take much to imagine what happened next.”
“Oh.” I wish I could say I was surprised, but sadly, I’m not.
“Yeah, it’s fine, though. It was bound to end sooner or later.”
Sitting up against the headboard, I cock a brow. “Really?”
“She’s a fun girl, but that’s all she really was. Fun.” Saxon’s words of wisdom crash into me. He was right. But when isn’t he.
“I think I’m just going to enjoy my own company for a little while. Figure out what comes next.” Which is exactly what I intend on doing…if only not for this constant ache in my chest.
My cell chimes, scaring the bejesus out of me. I lunge for it, hoping by some miracle it’s Saxon. It’s not. “Hi, Mom.”
“I’m sorry, honey. Were you expecting someone else? I can call back if you’re expecting a call.” Instantly, I feel like an utter asshole.
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little sick.”
