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“Is that why you’ve been avoiding my calls?” She’s right. I have been. I’ve needed time. But I can’t avoid her forever.
Pressing the receiver to my chest, I sheepishly look at Sam. “It’s my mom. Would you mind giving me a minute?”
“Of course not.” He gently strokes my ankle, then exits the room.
Taking a breath, I compose myself as best I can. “Hey, sorry. I’m back.”
“Was that Saxon?” Nothing slips past her.
“No. It was Sam.”
Time stands still. “Is everything all right?”
I can’t pretend any longer. It’s time she knows she was right all along. “No.” The fact I can hold back my tears is a miracle. She gives me all the time I need. “Saxon and I are on a break… I think. I actually don’t even know what we’re doing, to be honest. Everything has been great, but two nights ago, I found out he’s been given a fantastic business opportunity.”
“That’s wonderful news.”
Nodding, I swallow past the lump in my throat and continue. “It is. But it means he won’t be leaving Oregon anytime soon.”
“Oh, I see.” But she doesn’t see. Not yet anyway.
“I’m so proud of him, but it means if I want to be with him, then I’ll have to move.” I rub my temple; the truth bound to give me another migraine. “It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is. And Saxon…” I take a deep breath. “And Saxon seems to think that it has to do…with Sam.” There, I said it. Let the judging begin. I deserve it.
But I don’t get anything of the sort. “And what do you think?”
Looking at the thoughtful food offerings surrounding me, I confess, “I don’t know. And I hate myself for it. Saxon is hurting, and I wish I could take away his pain, but Iamthe pain. A small part of me agrees with him. I’m so ashamed of myself, and I know this is reminiscent of the conversation we had weeks and weeks ago, but everything—” my voice catches, and everything once again turns to utter shit “—is just so messed up.”
“Oh, honey.”
I can’t bear to hear her anger. “I know. I’m disappointed in me too.”
“I’m not disappointed.”
I sniff back my tears. “You’re not?”
“No. To anyone on the outside looking in, they probably can’t understand why you’re in the predicament you’re in. Saxon is wonderful.”
“He is,” I agree without missing a beat.
“But before this happened, you were happy with Sam. And although he’s done and said some awful things, it’s hard for you to turn your back on someone you’ve loved for half of your life. Sam is safe. You wouldn’t have to leave Montana. Or sell your house.”
“But…” I sniff as she has articulated what I haven’t been able to in just three words.Sam is safe.
“But you’re not the same person you once were…and that’s because of Saxon.”
“What does that say about me, though? Why is it so hard to let Sam go then?” I know she’s only trying to make me feel better, but I need her to shed light on something that makes no sense. “Just when I think I’ve sorted out my feelings, I’m overwhelmed with memories.”
“Because…you’re in love with both of them.”
I wince, horrified. “No, no. That…no. What does that say about me if that were true?” I’m sickened at that thought. Yes, I can admit I have feelings for Sam. But in love with him? That’s not possible.
“It makes you human,” she kindly replies. But I don’t want her making excuses for me.
Jumping from the bed, I ignore the dizziness and begin to pace because I’m unable to stay still. Threading my hand through my hair, I try to make sense of this. “I don’t want to be with Sam. I love Saxon. He’s the one I want.”
My gaze falls on the place he once slept, and a longing hits me so hard, I stagger backward. “But with Saxon, I have to start again…and I’m scared. He has the ability to destroy me.”
A weight suddenly lifts. Could it be I’m making some headway?
