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“I did listen, but you just needed time,” he said with a slow shake of his head as my blood fizzed.
“Don’t fucking patronize me. I’m trying to be realistic and save us both the hellscape of this ending six months or a year from now. Ending it now, before anything, before it goes too far, it’s the right thing to do for both of us, and for our friendship.”
“That’s bullshit,” he growled.
“It’s not.”
“It is, Chase.”
“Look, I get that you thought we could live happily ever after. And the absolute last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. It was the reason I didn’t want to start this in the first place, because I knew I’d fuck it up! There is a reason that none of my relationships have lasted longer than a couple of months.”
“Yeah, there is, because you always push them away.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shoved his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends. “Fucking hell, let’s not pretend that you don’t know this. As soon as shit starts getting serious, you push them away. You did it with Tommy in senior year. You did it with Ben. You did it with Simon.”
“You never even met Simon!”
“I didn’t need to. This is your MO, Chase. You start pushing, like it’s some kind of test, and then when they leave it’s a confirmation that it was never going to work out. Well, guess what? You can push as much as you fucking like, I’m not going anywhere.”
He wasn’t listening. Why wasn’t he listening? They left because I’m not girlfriend material, I’m messy and stubborn and grumpy and not that nice to be around a lot of the time—and they all figured it out. Mack would, too, if we kept going like this.
“I am trying to stop us both from getting hurt. I’m not pushing or anything else. But you’re too stubborn to accept that I’m right. I don’t want to fight about this. I think we both need a second to think and cool off.” I went for the door, suddenly desperate to get the hell out of here and away from him.
“What a surprise, shit is getting too real and you’re bailing,” he said, following.
I spun to face him and poked a finger into his chest. “What is your problem?”
“My problem is you lying!”
“I’m not lying!”
“Yeah, you are. You’re lying and trying to run away before you’ve even given us a chance.”
“Oh, now I’m running, not pushing? And I gave us a chance, Mack. Five dates worth.”
His eyes hardened. “So that was it, huh? You were just waiting to see if I was a good fuck and now you’re done?”
I sucked in a sharp breath. “That is not what I’m saying and you know it.”
“Do I? Because it’s pretty fucking clear from where I’m standing.”
Anger and disappointment collided in my chest. “Fuck you, Mack! I’m trying to save our friendship, which clearly you don’t give a shit about anymore.” I regretted the words as soon as they were out but I wasn’t going to take them back, not when he’d just accused me of using him for sex. I waited for him to disagree, and when he didn’t I got the hell out of there before I started crying.
The clear, crisp morning had been overshadowed by a blanket of thick cloud that looked like it was moments away from dumping an icy shower on everything. It seemed fitting, given my mood.
I choked on the tears that tightened my throat. How could he accuse me of only staying until we had sex? He had to know that wasn’t true. We’d been friends for years and I’d never cared about whether or not I had sex with him. Did he really think that would have changed? Granted, that was kind of how it looked with me ending things less than a day after we’d last been naked together. But still, he had to know that wasn’t actually true.
He just needed some time to cool off, that was all. He’d cool off, take the day to think and realize that I was doing what was best for us. He might even apologize when I saw him later. Okay, so an apology was less likely. But I still had hope for him not hating me when we were both at Rudi later.
Already the thought of seeing him made my stomach squirm and cramp. How did I let it get this far? I’d known it wasn’t a good idea and yet I’d let myself get swept away with him—in him. And look where it had gotten me, gotten us. Fighting. Saying awful shit that we couldn’t take back.
I had to believe that we could move past it, because the alternative was not an option.
34
MACK
