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I wanted him to go, but I didn’t want him to leave.
Sighing, I cover my face with my hands and rub my temples.
The man I’ve been dreaming of was right in front of me, and I turned away from him.
Groaning, I push my hair away from my face and look around the small kitchen. His tall frame took up so much room, it felt like he dominated the space. But now that it’s just me, it feels small and empty–a little like my heart.
Okay, snap out of it, Ashley. Even I’m depressing myself.
Steeling my spine, I finish my mug of cold coffee and bring mine and Ryan’s to the sink. Leaning on the edge, I remind myself that I’m a strong, independent woman who can get through anything, and can handle whatever’s thrown at me.
I can handle Ryan. I have to.
I came here to get away from the shit storm that is my life, and yet instead, I’ve crash landed in the path of the only man who has the power to ruin me.
Closing my eyes, I take a couple of deep breaths.
An hour ago, I was woken up from a drunken stupor, only to be brought back to Dottie’s cottage and made to give a police statement because two assholes decided that they knew what I needed–them. What the hell? Can I not just get away from the stupidity and general dumbass-ness of men for a few days?
Blowing out a lungful of air, I straighten. Walking through the house, I shut off all the lights and make sure the front door is securely locked before climbing into bed.
With thoughts of what it would have been like to actually kiss Ryan again on my mind, I drift off into a deep sleep.
Chapter 5
I wake to the dull, grey light of the morning, and curl a little tighter into the comforter, wishing for just a few more minutes of sleep.
I can already feel a massive headache coming on because of last night. I should just go home now and start looking for a job. Staying here longer will only guarantee more headaches and run-ins with a man that can’t be mine. Well, he could be for a few days, but then what? I’d leave in an even worse condition than I came here in.
Stretching out, I swing my legs over the side of the bed and my feet meet the cold wooden floors, sending chills through me. I look around for my fuzzy slippers and slide my feet inside, the fur hugging my already frozen toes like a warm blanket.
Shuffling down the hall, I start a fresh pot of coffee, and make it a little stronger than usual. I’m going to need the caffeine if I plan on functioning like a human today.
Yawning, I lean on the counter and look out the little window above the sink. It definitely looks like a snow storm is coming. The sky is grey today. A vast change from yesterday’s blue. We hadn’t had any snow in Jersey yet, so I’m actually really excited.
I’ve always loved sitting by the window and watching it fall. Anything that was once imperfect is covered by a fresh white slate, and then it’s suddenly beautiful again.
If only that could be true for life. I don’t regret anything I’ve done–my dad taught me that. But it would be nice to just cover my past up with a blanket of white, and call it beautiful.
But I can’t.
The ugly is what drives me forward to seek more, and want better. I refuse to settle in any part of my life. I know what I deserve, and I will never feel bad about that. It doesn’t make me selfish, or picky, or full of myself. It just means I hold myself to a higher standard that won’t be lowered. And there’s absolutely no shame in that.
Sighing, I pour myself a mug of coffee and add a little cream and sugar before shuffling out to the living room.
I haven’t had a day to do absolutely nothing in I don’t know how long. Turning on the TV, I search around until I find a crime show that I haven’t watched in forever. Murder and coffee on a Sunday morning sounds perfect to me.
And that’s how I spend the rest of my day–curled up on the couch under a blanket, binge watching CSI: Miami. I love that damn Horatio Caine.
It would be nice to have a man that reliable in my life again. His team members come to him with any problem, and they know Horacio will do everything he can to help them.
Besides my dad, I’ve never had that.
He was my rock in life. He was there for me, always. And since he’s been gone, I’ve had to figure out how to be that person for myself.
There were times when I wished I had someone to share my burdens with, and help me carry the weight of the world when it got too heavy on my shoulders. But it was in those moments that I became stronger, and more resilient.
Despite that, though, I’m at a place in my life where I don’twantto carry every burden on my own anymore. I’m tired of searching for something I’m not sure even exists, and yet I continue to believe it does.
