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“Well, so do we.” Jaime sits back and crosses her arms over her chest. “I guess whoever has their baby first will get the name.” To settle her point, she arches her eyebrows and gives Lexi a victorious smirk.
Lexi gasps. “You wouldn’t!”
“Not my fault I’m due before you.”
“Ladies, ladies, ladies, do we have to argue over a name? I mean, what if you both have girls? Then this dispute is a moot point,” Payton reasons.
“This is just like when we were little,” AJ whispers to me. “Only this time, I hope someone’s underwear doesn’t end up on the front lawn.” We both giggle as memories flood my mind. Back when we were in junior high, Jaime and Lexi got into a fight over God knows what, which resulted in Lexi throwing all of Jaime’s underwear on the front lawn moments before a bunch of her classmates were due to come over. Little did they know they were going to see a fireworks show (which may have involved Jaime’s panties hanging from the tree like party lights).
“Or hanging from the chandelier?” I tease AJ, referring to the time her thong ended up hanging from the light fixture at Sawyer’s house. It was there for weeks.
“Bitch,” she teases, feigns indignity, which makes me laugh because I know she really doesn’t mean to call me the name.
It feels damn good to laugh and carry on with my sisters. Like the days, some nights are better than others, and I’m thankful that tonight is a good one.
It’s been more than two years since my life changed forever.
Pushing invading thoughts of Josh and the night he was taken from me out of my mind, I turn back to my project. I’ve become a master at distraction, and tonight is no different. I’ve learned that if you keep yourself busy, you have less of a chance of those pesky little what ifs creeping into your mind.
What ifs that I won’t allow to ruin another night with my sisters.
So I take a page from my own playbook, push it all to the back of my mind, plaster on my smile, and pretend like I’m fine and didn’t die alongside my fiancé that cold and rainy night more than two years ago.
It’s worked for me for this long.
It’ll work for me tonight.
At least until I go home.
Alone.
* * *
Ryan and Jaime drop me off on their way to grab French fries. When Jaime has a craving, it’s always salty. Honestly, I think it’s just an excuse to try road-head. Those two get busy in vehicles more than anyone I know. And considering who my grandparents are, that’s saying something.
I chickened out on telling them my news.
As I make my way into the cute little house that was once so full of life and love, I wonder (for the ten millionth time) if I’m making a mistake. Am I ready for this? My heart starts to gallop in my chest at the thought. A date. But it doesn’t have to be a big deal. I mean, we’re just two former classmates enjoying a meal together, right?
Wrong.
This is so much bigger than that.
It’s acknowledgment that Josh isn’t coming back.
It’s my first real taste of acceptance that he’s gone.
I twist the ring on my left ring finger, the one I can’t seem to take off, and take a deep breath. As I glance around the house we used to share, I spy so much of him still in the place. His worn pair of tennis shoes are still on the floor by the front closet. The throw he bought as one of our first purchases for the new house is on the couch. His favorite coffee mug is still in the cabinet, as if waiting for him to wake up, fill it, and enjoy that first cup of coffee of the day.
But none of that is going to happen again.
That’s why I need this date.
It’s been two years.
As scary as it is, and believe me, it’s terrifying, I need this. I may not be completely ready, but there’s only one way to find out, right? So next Saturday, I’ll meet Adam Sullivan at the Mexican restaurant uptown, catch up on the last ten years of our lives, and see where it goes. I’m not anticipating it going much further, honestly, and the thought of a goodnight kiss makes me want to hurl. Not because kissing Adam wouldn’t be nice. I’m sure it would be.
Because it’s not Josh.
