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One hundred percent? I’m not sure when the last time I felt that was.
Actually, I do.
But I’m not going there right now.
“We’re heading up to the shop for a bit after brunch,” Lexi says to me. “Abby’s roots make me want to cry.”
“This is why I hate dyeing my hair. It’s too much maintenance,” Abby groans.
“They’re highlights and lowlights, sister dear. Plus, I have a new shade of purple I want to try,” Lexi says as she gives the boys little pieces of baby cereal. They absorb water (or drool) super fast, which is why they have remnants of the food already smeared all over their adorable little faces.
“I’m not putting purple in my hair,” Abby disputes.
“I want purple!” our niece, Brielle, exclaims.
“Maybe a strip,” Payton replies to her adopted daughter, to which Dean gives her a look. “It’ll wash out,” she assures her husband. “Plus, it’ll be fun to have Bri come along while I get my hair done.”
“Whatever you think, love,” Dean croons at his wife, leaning over and kissing the tip of her nose.
“Stop it. I’m trying to eat,” AJ grumbles. Sawyer laughs, pulls her into his arms, and kisses her senseless. “I mean, do whatever you want,” AJ adds, her eyes dazed with lust.
“You should come up and hang with us,” Lexi says, pulling my attention away from the mini-make-out sessions happening around me.
“Oh, umm…I have plans afterward. Maybe I’ll stop by later,” I reply with a shrug. Lexi’s face transforms into one of sympathy as realization sets in. She knows where I’m going, but doesn’t call me out on it. I go every Sunday.
The rest of brunch is pleasant, with very little talk about sex, which I chalk up on the plus category. Dad pays the bill, and before I know it, we’re all heading outside. It’s a beautiful Sunday, the sun shining high in the sky and the smell of salt wafting from the Bay. We all say our goodbyes, and hugs are passed around like candy at Halloween.
“Want me to join you?” my dad asks quietly as he gives me a hug.
“No, I think I’m good today. Thanks for the offer,” I reply, fighting the tears that threaten to spill.
“The offer stands if you change your mind,” he adds before placing a kiss in the middle of my forehead. “Love you, Meggy.”
“Love you too, Dad.”
I make my way to my car, keeping my head down. I tell myself it’s to keep the sun out of my eyes, but let’s be real: it’s to keep the others from seeing the tears swimming in my eyes. As soon as I’m inside my car, I grab my sunglasses and slide them onto my face. Automatically, I place my keys into the ignition and pull away. A few of my family members are still gathered on the sidewalk as I drive past, probably talking about me.
They’re always talking about me.
Pushing all thoughts of the sadness they poorly hide in their eyes, I make my way to the one place I feel both joy and ultimate sorrow. The narrow roadway winds through the land as I head toward the single plot. I park on the lane, my car as familiar to this place as the markers surrounding it.
The breeze has picked up slightly out here. Trees are everywhere, extending as far as the eye can see. It’s another two miles before you get to houses, to happy families and the lives they lead.
My life is here.
The cemetery.
I get out of the car and make my way to his final resting place. Even now, after more than two years, the sight of his name on that piece of granite steals my breath. It makes it real. I crouch down on the grass, reaching out and tracing my fingers along his name.
Joshua David Harrison.
Beloved Son, Brother, Fiancé
“Hi, Josh, it’s me.” He knows who I am, yet I always feel the need to start my conversation off with an introduction. Old habits die hard, I guess. “I’m sure you’ve heard what happened this past week. I’m fine, though I was a bit shaken up at the time. It could have been a lot worse,” I state, sitting and crisscrossing my legs, while reaching for a blade of grass. I pick a piece from the ground and start tearing it into little pieces. “Nick was there at the right time. He came out of work and found that man hurting me. I’m okay, though, really I am.
“I know what you’re thinking: I should have never went out by myself. It was stupid of me. Well, Nick usually walks me out, but he had something else to handle. I feel horrible because the poor guy blames himself, even though it’s not his fault. He’s a good friend to me, Josh. Besides my family, he’s one of my only friends,” I confess.
I sit there and stare at his name, the two dates below jumping out at me like a beacon in the night. The name starts to blur as the tears start to come. Lying down beside his headstone, I cry for everything I’ve lost, everything I’ll never have. Every dream we shared that was crushed alongside his body. The breeze picks up, the air wrapping around me like a warm hug. “I miss you so much,” I cry, giving in to the gut-wrenching sobs that steal my breath. “I wish you were here. I don’t want to do this alone.”
