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“You’re not alone, Meggy,” my dad whispers behind me, crawling to the ground and pulling me into his arms. I cry in his arms until there seems to be no more tears. I have no idea how long we sit there, but he never moves. He just holds me and lets me grieve for the man I loved more than life itself. “You’re never alone.”
When the tears finally subside and I’m able to breathe somewhat normal, I sit up beside the man who has held me more in the last two years than he probably did in the twenty-six years before this happened. I wipe my eyes and glance back at the stone, my dad keeping his arm around my shoulder.
“He’s proud of you, Meghan. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you’ve been taking baby steps toward healing and moving forward.”
“It feels wrong,” I confess, my words barely a whisper. “I feel guilty for moving on with my life when he lost his.”
“I understand,” Dad says, his eyes cast downward. “When your mother was sick, I would stay awake at night, watching her sleep and praying that God gave me her cancer. I would have taken that pain away in a heartbeat if I could, for all of us. After we lost her, I even begged God to take me too. I wasn’t sure how to live without her.”
His confession is like a bullet to the chest. It’s painful and raw…and familiar. I understand exactly what he’s saying, because I felt the exact same way. It would have been so much easier if God would have just taken me right along with him.
“But that’s not how it works,” Dad continues. “I was still alive, and more importantly, I still had you girls to look after. The thought of you all losing us both, well that pretty much gutted me. So, I got up and did what I had to do.
“It’s okay to miss him, sweetheart. You’ll miss him for the rest of your life, but the important thing to remember is that you still have a life. And if you go through the motions, if you just merely exist, you’re not only shorting yourself, but Josh too. He wanted you to live, Meggy. He wanted you to love because your heart is made for that. You are an incredibly smart, generous, and caring woman who deserves to share her life with someone who sees what Josh saw.”
Tears stream down my face as I listen to his words – really listen to them.
“It’s not easy, honey. I’m the first to admit, but the older I get, the more I realize that life is worth living, and loving is the greatest joy in life.”
“Are you saying,” I start, leaving my statement open.
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying. No, I’m not in love, but as I mentioned, I met someone who makes me feel alive again. For the first time in forever, I smile. Not that you girls don’t make me smile, because between you and your sisters, and now the slew of grandbabies being added to the family, I have plenty of reasons to smile. But this is a different smile.”
I nod, understanding what he means. The love you share with your soul mate is different than that of your family. And that’s okay. Love comes in many forms and ways. I don’t know, maybe there is room for more than one great love, more than one soul mate. The thought gives me both hope and hives.
“Can we meet her?” I ask, glancing down at Josh’s stone.
“I invited her to the wedding,” Dad says, offering me a smile.
I smile back at him, truly happy that he is taking this step. I’m sure it’s not easy, but the thought of Dad spending time with someone who puts a smile back on his face makes me a bit giddy. “I can’t wait.”
Dad nods. “And when the time is right, when the right person comes along, you’ll find your reason to smile again, Meghan. Just don’t give up on the idea, okay? There is so much love and joy around us that I’d hate for you to miss out on the beauty that surrounds us.” He pauses and holds my eyes. “Josh wants nothing more than your happiness, sweet girl. He wants you to live.”
Just then, the breeze picks up again.
It’s as if Josh is speaking to me too.
Nodding my understanding, I rest my head on his shoulder and finish my visit with the man I was going to marry. I tell him about the babies coming and AJ’s wedding. Dad doesn’t speak as I talk, just continues to hold me close.
When I’m finally finished with my visit, I turn to my dad. “Can we go say hello?”
“I’d be sad if we didn’t,” he replies with a gloomy smile.
Hopping up, he extends his hand down to me. Before we walk away, I turn toward Josh’s headstone. As I do every Sunday, I kiss my fingers and place my hand on his name. “I love you. Always.”
Turning to Dad, he offers me a hand and leads me toward the tree line a few rows back. There, under a blooming Eastern Redbud tree, is the large double heart stone with the names of my parents. One has a death date and the other doesn’t.
I try to hold back, giving Dad time to visit with his wife, but he won’t have it. He guides us both to the stone and takes a seat on the grass beside it. I’m quiet, lost in my own memories of the woman who never got to see her six daughters grow up. The reflections are fuzzier now than they have been in the past, and I wonder if that’s just part of life. The details start to fade.
“I’ve told her all about the woman I’ve been seeing. I think Trish would have liked her.” Dad smiles fondly at the stone that bears his wife’s name, along with his own.
“Mom liked everyone.”
“She did. She was an amazing person who could find the good in anyone. I see a lot of her in you. Probably more than any of the girls.”
The accolade warms my heart, because honestly, being compared to my mother is one of the greatest compliments in life. She really was a caring, joyful, amazing woman.
“We’re going to be okay, Meghan. I know it.” Dad wraps his arm around me and pulls me close. Together, we sit there and talk to Mom.
