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From: Jamie… Please Stella.
To: Jamie… Fine. But keep your dick in your pants.
From: Jamie… No guarantees, baby. I’ll be right there.
I prop the door open using the top latch. I try to clean my face up, but I still look like I’ve been crying. My eyes are so red and puffy. I heard Jamie come in, so I went towards the door and he stared at me with fear showing on his face.
“Stella baby, don’t cry. She is absolutely nothing.”
“You let her fucking touch you, Jamie. I watched her touch you. I’m so angry with you.”
“I didn’t want to cause a scene.”
“How far would it have gone, Jamie? If I hadn’t been there. If I hadn’t walked up to the bar. When would you have fucking stopped her from touching you? Or would you have fucked her?”
“Stella, I will never fuck her again. I only want you. Why is it so hard for you to understand that?”
“Because I’m not… Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me. Why Stella? Because you’re not what?”
“I’m no good at this. I’m not good for you. There’s a reason I’ve never done this.”
“You don’t believe I love you.”
It was a statement, not a question, and he wasn’t wrong. I can’t be loved.
“No.”
I stared down at the floor, feeling like my world was crumbling. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t love me. I am not worthy of love. How did I think this would end? Tears streamed down my face.
“Baby, what’s going on? This is not all about her. Why don’t you believe I love you.”
“I did, then I realized how unloveable I am. Nobody can love me, Jamie. You just love the sex. You can’t love me.”
He pulls me close to him, staring into my eyes.
“You are right. I love the sex. I’ve never had sex as good as it is with you. I once asked if I was the best you ever had. I wanted to know because you are definitely the best I ever had. You are sexy, sensual and have the sexiest mouth I’ve ever felt. But what I love the most is not the sex. I used the sexual connection to pull you back in after you ran. I love the way your eyes light up when you laugh. I love the way you stare at me as if you can see through to my soul. I love your smile. I love the way you make me feel alive. I felt like I was dying when I thought I lost you. You saved me from despair. I have demons too, Stella. What I love about you most is that you let me in. I love your body, but I also love your heart. I love the way you think, the way you write. I love everything about you, Stella. Everything. Katelyn is my past. You are my present and my future. I was miserable with her, Stella. I was never happy.”
The tears begin to fall and I can’t control it. His words have me coming undone.
“Stella, I love you. Please believe me.”
“Jamie, I want to be with you. I am just no good at this. I want to be, but I’m just not. You deserve better than me.”
“Why do you think you’re so impossible to love?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m going to show you every day exactly how lovable you are. I love you so much, Stella.”
“I love you so much, Jamie. You still scare me.”
“I know. Are we okay?”
“Don’t let her touch you again, Jamie. I mean it. I don’t care how much of a scene she causes.”
“I promise. I’m always so afraid you’re going to leave me.”
