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I let out a nervous laugh. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Marie. You aren’t your son’s mistakes.”
Now it was her turn to release an anxious chuckle. “You could tell a parent that a million times, and we’d still never believe you.” She pulled me into a hug and held me so tight. I melted into her hug. I hadn’t known how much I needed that—for someone to hold me. “You are the daughter I always wanted,” she whispered, stirring up my own emotions.
She turned to walk away and paused as she held the door open for a moment before she looked back my way. “Just so it’s clear, Aaliyah, you were always the catch in your relationship, not the other way around. My son was never good enough for you. You were the prize.” She smiled and walked away, leaving me there with a set of nerves I wasn’t sure how to work through.
I took the elevator to the penthouse and felt a sense of emptiness once I stepped foot inside. I hadn’t lived within those walls for long, but somewhere along the way, I’d convinced myself I’d achieve my happily ever after there. Sometimes fairy-tale endings are only for the storybooks.
Everything was exactly as it had always been in the penthouse, except a little different. All the components of the house felt a little less like mine. I walked into the bedroom and noticed some of Jason’s clothing was missing from the closets. He really had left me, and he wasn’t going to come back.
I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I wasn’t sure how to move forward with life. I had nothing to my name—no husband, no job, no home. I’d given all of that up to be with a man who’d left me on our wedding day.
I lay down on the bed that morning, feeling everything but love. I hated the discomfort I felt in that home. I hated the way the walls echoed to me that I didn’t belong there. I hated how my skin crawled with the idea that any moment now, Jason could show up and remind me of how much I didn’t belong.
So, I stood up from the bed, and went to the only place where I felt less alone.
Every Sunday morning, I spoke to dead people. Well, not dead people—just one. It had become a tradition to visit Grant’s grave and talk to him about life, about the ups and downs of my world. I’d read him comic books, and we’d watch the sun rise with one another. That morning, I’d missed the sunrise with him, but still, I felt his comfort.
I sat in front of Grant’s tombstone, with my legs bent and my arms crossed on top of my knees. My head rested against my arms as I stared forward at the one person who still made me feel loved. I didn’t say anything that morning, because I knew he wouldn’t be speaking back to me at all, but in my head I’d imagine he’d say I was okay.
Scattered around his tombstone were quarters. I’d leave a quarter every time I’d visit, because it always reminded me of him. When I first met Grant, he was always flipping a quarter between his fingers. He had all his odd beliefs and sayings that stuck with me over the years. “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck, find a quarter, make it mine, and I’ll be lucky for the rest of time,” he’d say. There was never a day he didn’t carry a lucky quarter around with him. So, whenever I visited, I left him a quarter, so he’d have a bit of luck on the other side.
As I sat there, feeling hopeless, another one of his lines popped up in my head.
“Rain makes rainbows, Aaliyah. Let the water fall,” he’d probably tell me. “Break first, fix later.”
I broke.
I shattered.
I let the water fall from my eyes as the comfort of Grant’s almost words filled my mind. I was thankful for Grant’s silence that still somehow managed to wrap me up in some kind of mystical safe love.
18
Aaliyah
And now comesthe part where I plead.
My stomach sat in knots as I rode the elevator up to thePassion Magazineoffice, where I would respectfully—okay, probably not—beg for my junior editor position back. Now that I had no need to move to Los Angeles, I was trying to put my feet back on somewhat solid ground. I was a New Yorker through and through, and what do New Yorkers do when life knocks them down? We get back up and start swinging, too—knotted stomachs and all.
I was a bit shocked when my boss Maiv agreed to meet with me after I drunkenly emailed her at four in the morning due to a sleepless night.
Jason still hadn’t called me.
I knew that didn’t matter much, but for some reason, it hurt me. You would think the man who stood you up on your wedding day would at least send anLOL my bad, I overslept and missed our weddingtext message of sorts.
Still, somehow his lack of communication was what kept my mind occupied the night before. I thought about where he could be, what he could be doing…who he could be doing.
Of course he was cheating on you, Aaliyah. Hasn’t history taught you anything? That’s what men do. Now, look at you—wasted a year of your life on a man who left. Your time is ticking. Tick, tick, tick…
“Shut up,” I muttered out loud to my own insensitive brain. My thoughts had been in overdrive, trying to convince me that what had happened was all because of me, that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worthy of the happy ending, that I was bad at finding love that lasted…that I didn’t have time to find a real love.
My thoughts were currently controlling me, and all I wanted was to be able to be in control of them instead, even if that meant sometimes muttering at myself to shut up.
I walked into the front lobby ofPassionand saw Greta’s smiling face. She was the front desk receptionist, and for the past few years, it was her face that I’d saw first each day I came into work.
“Hey there, sunshine,” she frowned, looking my way. She was invited to the wedding, so I was certain she knew of the outcome of said event. “How are you doing?”
I smiled, even though I didn’t mean it. “One step at a time.”
