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“I can’t, Grams. I just feel like something’s wrong.” I turned to face her and frowned. “Can you do a reading for me, maybe? Just a little tarot spread to let me know if everything’s going to be okay?”
She frowned. “Stella, you know my rules. When one’s anxiety is high, we do not turn to our magic. We have to be aligned with ourselves to use our gifts. Besides after the last…” Her words fumbled off.
“Miscarriages,” I said.
She frowned, hating the conversation, but knowing that she’d seen me like this before. Every time before when I was pregnant, I had the same kind of fear. “Exactly,” she told me. “We just have to trust in the universe.”
“The universe has screwed me over before,” I cut in.
Grams eyes filled with concern for me. I tried my best to shake it off.
“No, I know. I know, I’m probably worrying you, but I’m okay, Grams. But please, I just, I feel… please?” I begged. “Just one reading?”
Her eyes filled with tears. Emotions swept over her as she took my hand in hers. “Everything’s going to work out for the greater good. Just believe that.”
I pulled my hand away from her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Stella—”
“Did you already do a reading on me?”
She went silent.
“Grams, tell me.”
“Maybe we should go walk down the coastline. Put our feet in the ocean.”
“I don’t want to put my feet in the ocean, Grams. What is it? What did you see?”
She moved in to give me ocean kisses, but I pulled away.
“No. I’m scared, Grams. I’m scared. Tell me what you saw.”
“You’re okay, Stella. You’re okay, and the baby’s okay.”
“Then what are you avoiding telling me?”
“Anything I tell you is just a possibility, anyway, sweet girl. Nothing is set in stone.”
“It was last time you told me,” I said to her. “So, just tell me again.”
“I saw how much hurt you went through with the last loss, Stella. I’ve seen your heartbreak, and I refuse to put any more of that doubt or fear into your system with these cards or silly readings.”
“Now they’re silly?”
“Yes,” she said sternly. “They are silly when you become dependent on them instead of self. You are okay. The baby is okay. My sweet child,” she placed her hands against my face and cradled it. “Be here now. Stop chasing a future that is currently still make-believe. Be here now.”
She wouldn’t say what she’d seen. My stomach dropped, and I instantly felt ill. I stood from her chair and headed back toward my house, ignoring Grams as she called out my name. As I walked into the house, I found Damian in his office on a work call. The moment our eyes locked, he stood to his feet.
“Let me call you back,” he told the person on the other line, then he hung up quickly.
His arms were wrapped around me within seconds, and he held me tight as I cried into his arms.
It took three more weeks.
Three more weeks of anxiety. Three more weeks of panic attacks. Three more weeks of a heavy feeling of pain hovering around me before it happened.
Lying in bed beside Damian, I felt a sharp pain in my side. As my breaths intensified, I sat up beside my sleeping husband, and my hand fell to my stomach. I turned on the lamp beside me and felt an overwhelming amount of fear as I stared down at the bedsheets to see red.
