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“And that’s how I feel.”
I swallowed, throat tight. “That could change…”
She shook her head. “I want a riding school, I want to ride, I want to event. I can’t do that with a baby. Unless… unless you’re talking ten years away… I just don’t know…”
But I wasn’t talking ten years away. I wasn’t talking about being a dad approaching retirement age while his kid is still in nappies.
It must have shown all over my face.
Her eyes were so big. “You really wanted this straight away, didn’t you? That’s what you wanted?” She sighed. “Oh God, you want it now. When were you going to tell me?”
“Six months,” I said honestly. “Rick and I agreed six months, until you knew us, until you stood a chance of knowing what you wanted.”
“I want what I always wanted,” she said. “A yard, a riding school, time with Samson…”
“And that’s it?”
“No,” she said. “I love being with you guys. I think about it sometimes, when I’m alone. How this could work, whether it could work. Whether I could be with two men. Properly, I mean.”
“And what was your conclusion?”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now. You want a baby. That’s what you want, Carl, don’t pretend it isn’t.”
“I want you and Rick,” I said. “I want you to be happy. I want us to be a family.”
“With a baby, Carl. With a baby. That’s what you need to make you happy.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
She leaned forward in her seat. “This is all too much. The yard… all this work stuff… my dad, Verity… you and Rick… a baby… it’s too much to think about.“
“I didn’t mean to force this on you right now,” I said. “I just wanted to buy you the yard, that’s all I wanted.”
“I couldn’t take the yard. Not unless I could give you what you wanted in return. Maybe not even then.”
“This has nothing to do with what I want. It has everything to do with how I feel about you.” I reached out a hand, but she flinched as it landed. “We both adore you, Katie. We think you’re incredible. Kind, and beautiful, and funny. Smart.”
“Please stop…” she said. “I just can’t…” She rubbed her temples. “I need to think this through. I’m upset about the yard, upset for Jack. I just need some space.”
Space.
“I can give you space,” I said. “Let’s go home. I won’t mention it again, any of it. You can think. We can watch some movies, eat, get an early night… whatever you want.”
She shook her head. “Space, Carl. I just need my own bed. I need to talk to my mum. Probably cry a bit, get it out of my system. You know?”
I knew. Of course I knew.
I made myself smile. “Sure. I’ll take you home.”
I drove in silence and my heart was thumping. So many words I wanted to say, but I’d already said too much. Way too fucking much.
I pictured Rick, waiting at home, waiting for us. He’d be excited, ready to congratulate Katie on an awesome week, and I’d show up alone.
Because I’d blown it. Again.
Because she neededspace.
Because, no matter what I said, she was equating my offer of a yard with the need to give me a baby. She was adding it up, working it out, wondering how often I looked at her and saw a womb for sale.
