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She nodded. “But he didn’t abandon me. Not like I thought he did. He didn’t even know I existed. So, how could he have been there? How could he have tried? How can I feel angry for the way he rocked up into my life at ten years old? He came as soon as he could.” She stared out of the window. “I didn’t get to know him, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know him because I didn’t think he wanted to know me. But I was wrong. I just don’t know where this leads, how this changes everything. It’s all so… big… all so… fuzzy…”
“It’s a lot to get your head around, Katie. Give yourself a break.”
“What do you think I should do, Carl? What would you do?”
“That’s a big question.”
“I know it is… but I…” She paused. “I trust you.”
“I’m glad, but that doesn’t mean I have the right answers.Youhave the right answers for you, Katie.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
I pulled her hand to my lips, kissed her fingers. “You’re smart, you’re strong. You have a good heart. You’ll make the right choices.”
“All the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”
I shook my head. “That isn’t true. Your heart is your heart, your soul is your soul. This shit with your father doesn’t change who you are inside, who you’ve always been inside.”
“Ok, somostof the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”
“Maybe, but that matters little now. You made the best decisions for you at the time, with the facts you had available. Now, in the future, you may make different choices, based on new information.”
“A whole new world…”
“If that’s what you want.”
She sighed. “I don’t know much of what I want right now.”
“So start with the things youdoknow, work from there.”
I felt her tug at my sleeve, and it made my breath hitch. “Pull over,” she said. “There’s a truck stop up ahead.”
I indicated left, rumbled the Range off the road. I put the car in neutral, turned to face her. “What?” I said. “What’s the matter? What is it?”
Her eyes twinkled in the last rays of the sun, expressive and confused. “I don’t know what I want, Carl. I don’t know if I want to know my dad, or if I’ll be disappointed to find out he’s still the same prick I thought he was. I don’t know if I lost out on being a kid because my mum was scared to let me love someone who didn’t love her, and I don’t know what that means for my future. I don’t know if I clipped my own wings because I learned it was ok to be content not to push myself, not to challenge myself, because I was rebelling. Rebelling against a family I was against from the very beginning. I don’t know if I’d want the same things, know the same things, have done all the same things if I’d have known better, known I wasn’t an unwanted daughter.”
“So, whatdoyou know?” I stared at her. “Why are we here? Parked up in the middle of nowhere?”
“Because I knowyou.” She unclipped her belt, and my belly flipped. “Because I know I want you. Because you’re the only thing that makes sense to me, right now, you and Rick.” She reached for me, and I closed my eyes. “Because you’re so straight, Carl. Because you don’t shy away from what’s ahead. Because you’re alwaysthere.”
I smirked. “I’m rarely calledstraight, Katie. That makes a novel change.”
“Rick’s right about you, when he says you’re the best man he’s ever known. You’re the best man I’ve ever known, too. The bestmenI’ve ever known, you and Rick.”
“Stop,” I said. “You don’t have to say all this.”
She smiled. “You’ll be the best dad, Carl. You’re everything a good dad should be. Loyal, and honest, and strong. Kind. Hardworking. Supportive.”
Her words made my skin tingle. I had to change the subject. I couldn’t take it, not even the thought. Just in case. Just in case it was false hope.
“Your dad isn’t all that bad, Katie, I promise. I really think you should consider giving him a chance. A fresh start, right from the beginning. The start you should have had.”
She was close, so close. Her knees up on theseat, her breath on my cheek. “Kiss me,” she said. “That’s what I want. That’s the one thing I know.”
“Rick’s at home,” I said. “He’s only minutes away…”
She shook her head, and then her lips were on me, soft against my cheek. “Please,” she said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”
