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“That’s nice of you to spend time with him. Sounds like he’s good for you, too.”
“Mama.”
“Mmm hmmm.” She put the glass back down on the table.
“Jude’s White.”
“Well, that’s a bit of a surprise.” Mama chuckled, but the sound was flat. “As long as this man treats you right, Iris, then that’s all a mother can ask. We’re all God’s children. The world is different now. Folks date whoever they wanna date, I suppose.”
They were quiet for a long while, then her mother broke into laughter when the character of Willis, played by Todd Bridges, made a funny joke. That time, the sound was rich and authentic. You could wrap your arms around it and squeeze.
“How’d you feel when you realized you was in love with Daddy?”
“Ohhh, that was so long ago, baby. I don’t recall the specifics anymore. I loved him very much, though. He swept me off my feet. A charmer, yo’ Daddy was. I loved his smile the best.”
“Mama, I’d like to have children one day, too. I know I’m starting late, compared to most of the women in our family, and unlike Aunt Blue, I want the whole white picket fence and youngsters. But you know, sometimes it scares me.”
“Nothin’ more natural than gettin’ married and havin’ a baby, honey. Ain’t nothin’ to be scared of.”
“Well, I see how much pain Ayanna goes through, and it kills me. I didn’t even birth her, but there are moments it feels like I may as well have, because when she hurts, I hurt. Lily did a number on her.” Mama began to move around in her seat, scratching her arms and legs. “Between the teachers, the psychiatrists, and me, she’s finally back on the right track. But Ayanna got some demons she wrestles with, and I ain’t certain she can slay them all. Don’t get me wrong, she’s come a mighty long way and is a beautiful child, but her self-esteem sometimes ain’t as high as it should be. She tells me she’s ugly sometimes, things like that. She tells me how Lily used to call her stupid.”
Mama’s shoulders slumped, and she kept rubbing her shoulder, over and over.
“That can mess a child up real bad, sometimes even after you love on them hard to try and make them understand all of that mess was just a bunch of lies. It’s like that old tape in their head just keeps on playin’, no matter how many times you push theSTOPbutton.”
“Well.” Mama tightened her hold even more on her clothing. “That’s where prayer comes in. Trust in the Lord.”
“Mama, I trust in the Lord, I do. Being a parent, so to speak, is the hardest job I’ve ever had in my life, but I love Ayanna so, and I just enjoy havin’ her around. God gave us the good sense to get therapists, and to pray, and to talk to doctors if we’re havin’ a problem with our brains or bodies, but sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough. Did you ever feel that way about me and Lily? Like maybe, we needed something you couldn’t give us, or you felt we needed something, and you knew what it was, but you just didn’t know how to manage it all?”
Once again, Mama was quiet. Maybe guarding her words, her emotions, her fractured heart. Iris finished the braid she was working on and went to stand in front of her, blocking the TV. She gently removed the clicker from the woman’s lap, turned it off, and knelt in front of her. Taking her hands in hers, she looked her in the eyes.
“Mama, please.” She blinked back tears. “I need to talk to you. I love talkin’ to Aunt Blue, she’s the best in this world, but she ain’t you. I only get one mother.”
Mama reached out and stroked her face.
“What do you want to say to me, Iris?”
“I accidentally told a lie. See, the other day, I was talkin’ to my special friend, Eli, and said that you avoid unpleasantries. But then, I remembered that wasn’t always true, either. When I was a little girl, I’d hear you in the kitchen going off about some protest downtown, and how they needed to pay these Black workers more. I also remembered you giving your mother-in-law a harsh talking to after she disrespected you. Those seem like two different women to me. The woman back then, and the woman before me now. I’m bringing this up not to have you talk about that old stuff, but to ask you, what changed? Who put out your fire?”
Mama sat there, looking through her. She felt like a window Mama was looking out of to see something in the distance, something far more interesting, perhaps. It reminded her of how Eli sometimes looked when he was deep in thought. He would drift away and yet, he’d hear everything one would say.
“Mama, please! I need honesty. I ain’t never asked you for nothin’ since I’ve been grown.” Mama hung her head and rubbed her nose. “I need to understand what’s going on here. What happened to our family?”
Mama slowly raised her head and took a long, deep breath.
“I think, honey, we all deal wit’ pain differently. I didn’t put my own fire out. It was extinguished.”
Iris swallowed and clutched her mother’s hand. She had no idea what the woman was referring to, but it seemed right to just sit in silence. To let that confession marinate. To not mess it up with the clutter of unnecessary words and declarations. Leaning in, she kissed the top of Mama’s head, then bent low and hugged her. Mama’s gorgeous, almond-shaped eyes sparkled as she smiled for real, then patted Iris’ hand.
“Ain’t no need for a long face or to feel sad, honey. Your days of lookin’ like that should have ended wit’ Bennet leavin’ the scene. The day you told me you was divorcing him, I pretended to be sad, but as soon as you hung up the phone, I jumped for joy.”
Iris burst out laughing and got to her feet to resume working on Mama’s hair.
“Yes, he has that effect on people. Unfortunately, I ran into him not too long ago. He ain’t changed a bit. You told me a few times, in your polite way of course, that you didn’t like Bennet. I suppose it was ’cause you could sense he wasn’t doing me right?”
“Yes. He wasn’t good for you. He wasn’t faithful. He wasn’t foolin’ me, either. Bennet told me how his mama had died, and I told him that I ain’t her, but he could call me Mama now, too. I tried to love on him because he was my son-in-law, but then I had to tell him that I was disappointed in him, and didn’t care for him one bit. He was hurtin’ you.”
Iris nodded, then gathered Mama’s freshly done braids and began to group them together, rolling them into a bun.
