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“Well, that was a long time ago, and I’m thankful it’s over.”
“Ayanna still doin’ well in school?” Mama asked that all the time. Iris believed for the longest it was filler talk, something to push through the quiet spaces of their conversations. This time around, however, these words had more substance. Mama wasn’t running anymore—at least, not as fast.
“Yes, she is doing real well. I’m so proud of her.”
“That’s real nice. Glad to see my grandbaby is thriving.”
“Yeah… Mama, I don’t want to push my luck,” Iris chuckled nervously, “but I’m enjoyin’ talkin’ to you today.”
“I’m enjoying talkin’ to you, too, baby.” Mama reached for the clicker Iris had set aside and turned the television back on.
She’s tryna shut down again. She can sense I want to keep going with this. She always does this. This is the farthest I’ve ever gotten, though. I can’t stop now.
“Would it be all right if I talked to you about my trouble wit’ Lily? I know you tell me to not gossip about my sister, you say it ain’t right, but this ain’t gossip, Mama. I want your advice.”
The older woman looked over her shoulder at her. She appeared pitiful, like a trapped animal, shrinking within herself.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Mama?”
She blinked a couple of times, then turned away. Picking up the clicker once again, she turned the television off, then rubbed her forehead with a deep sigh.
“Are you done with my hair?”
“Yes, Mama.”
“Fine. Follow me into my bedroom. I want to show you something.”
A bit confused, Iris hurriedly closed the hair grease jar and put the brushes, combs, and bobby pins away in a drawer. Mama was making her way down the hallway of her small ranch house, her wide hips wobbling to and fro as she hummed a tune. Iris caught up with her and entered the bedroom, which smelled faintly of Red Door perfume.
“Go on, have a seat.” The woman pointed to a little pink ivory vanity chair. Iris plopped down on it, and before she knew it, Mama was grunting and moaning as she dug around in her closet.
“Need some help? Sounds like you’re over there tryna wrestle a greased pig,” Iris teased, causing her mother to burst out laughing.
“I got ’em. Here they go.” Mama sat across from her on the bed, holding two photo albums. “This is yo’ family. Now, I know you’ve seen many of these pictures before.” She handed Iris one of the heavy books. “But I figure I can add some information, things that might be fun or nice to know.”
“Okay, that sounds good!” Iris excitedly flipped it open and first saw baby photos of Daddy. “Well, I know this is Ronald… my daddy.” She ran her finger along the faded black and white picture.
“Mmm hmmm. He was the oldest of nine children. Turn the page.”
Iris did so, and each time, Mama gave a little tidbit of information, either something she didn’t know, or that she’d long forgotten. They got to the second book, and after opening it, the vibe was completely different. The first few photographs featured Daddy, but then, he was gone… In the following pictures it was just the three of them, as well as Aunt Blue, Aunt Angela, Aunt Grace, Uncle Steve, and all of the other aunts and uncles, grandmama, and her and Lily’s cousins.
“Baby, you mentioned wanting to be a mama one day, and how in some ways, you’re Ayanna’s mama because of Lily’s choices in life. That picture right there, to me, shows when Lily changed.”
Iris looked at the picture and noticed Lily wasn’t smiling. There she was in front of this big ol’ family of theirs on Christmas, outside, and she was the only child not smiling big, or laughing.What child frowns on Christmas morning?Iris grabbed the first book, flipped through, and in almost every other picture, Lily was cuttin’ up, acting silly, laughing and looking so pretty. Iris returned to the second book and once again started flipping through the whole thing, on a search for Lily. Not a one showed her smiling. Iris looked up at her mother with tears in her eyes.
“…Daddy.”
Mama nodded, and sniffed.
“Like me, Lily was forever changed. You both were Daddy’s girls, and I was fine with it. I couldn’t compete with that man’s smile.” Mama laughed sadly. “He loved y’all so hard…” She shook her head and smoothed her housecoat out along her lap. “I saw Lily slippin’ through my fingers after he passed away. I made… I made some mistakes, Iris.”
“What do you mean you made some mistakes?”
“I didn’t discipline her no more. I spoiled her. I was harder on you.” Mama shrugged. “Not too hard, but I figured you were adapting better. Lily was havin’ fits. She was… havin’ nightmares. Children lose their parents all the time. It’s sad when it happens, but it does, and those poor children gotta figure out how to get through life and feel blessed, anyhow. Lily wasn’t like that. It seemed… she cracked. Like an egg. Something broke deep within her. I was dealin’ with the same thing, but just going through the motions ’cause I had responsibilities. I had two girls, wasn’t no time to grieve, and I needed to get a job now that my husband was gone. So, I moved in with my mama and Aunt Blue, and the three of us took care of and raised you two. Mama complained about Lily sneakin’ out at night. Then, I started smellin’ alcohol on her breath. I couldn’t believe that, as the years passed, she was getting worse instead of better.”
“Mama, I know it wasn’t as common back when we were kids, but did you ever think to take her to see a doctor? A grief counselor?” Mama shook her head and looked away.
“I didn’t.”
