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“You said yourself at the doctor’s office—I was standin’ right there beside you—that you came to get your shot a few days late these last two rounds.”
“Well yes, because of my work schedule and Ayanna’s school activities.”
“It doesn’t matter the reason. You are supposed to go over there and get it taken care of every three months like clockwork.”
“A few days shouldn’t have caused this! It’s got to be a mistake. The test has to be wrong!” Iris picked up the pee-stick lying beside her, wrapped in a paper towel once again, and shook her head. Two dark blue lines stared back at her, mocking her.
“It’s all one big conspiracy, huh? Folks at the drugstore fixed those tests to be positive because they knew lil’ ol’ Iris was coming in to buy some, and the doctor today knew you was comin’, too, so he told a lie to get you all worked up, drafted up fake documents and everything. People around the globe are having meetings all about how to lie and tell my niece she’s pregnant when she’s really not. Illuminati.” Aunt Blue burst out laughing when Iris slumped on the couch and rolled her eyes.
“I just can’t believe this… I feel like I’m stuck in a dream. A bad one.”
“Iris, you done pissed on ’bout four of those, and you’ve been to the doctor now, too. What do you need? For Jesus to come down himself and say, ‘Yup. You pregnant, chile. That’s what you get for doin’ the horizontal mambo. Now pay your tithes and join the usher board for red Kool-Aid and Dollar General cookies after service’.”
“I’m speechless right now.”
“Well, I’m not. Get ready to change some diapers. In good news, Jude sho’ is handsome, girl. You lucked out. You could’ve gotten pregnant by someone who looked like Steve Buscemi or Ron Perlman.”
“Aunt Blue…”
“At least you got a nice-lookin’ baby daddy. If I was going to get knocked up by a White man, he’d have to be a handsome son of a gun. Jude fits the bill… Mmm hmmm! Me and your mama was talking about him after y’all two left. It was nice meeting him. He’s a charmin’ man, but I ain’t fooled. I can see the mischief in his eyes. Ask him if he wants an old ass sista wife.”
“Blue… I’m not in a laughing mood.”
“Now, when you ask him, make sure he knows my rules. I ain’t givin’ him no babies, but I wouldn’t mind spendin’ his money and squeezing that nice, cute ass of his a few good times. Squeezeallthat Charmin, baby!” Aunt Blue shimmied across the room, then checked herself out in a full-length mirror.
“Auntie, this isn’t funny. Oh my God. What am I going to tell Jude? He’s going to freak out.”
“What are you going to tell Jude?” Aunt Blue spun around so damn fast, her necklace swung with her. “Girl, please! He knows what the hell he’s been doing to you! He knows how babies are made. Y’all been pokin’ ’til it’s broken! Calm down. Y’all already ’bout to get married, so just get a bigger dress!”
Iris slumped on the couch, feeling queasy and uneasy.
My period was two weeks late, but I just figured it was because of the stress of the wedding, and Lily having to stay in that institution. Mama’s been down in the dumps because of her, and Jude has been at all these meetings about his beer company. We’ve barely seen each other this week. There’s been a lot going on.
Just then, Iris’s cellphone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Ms. Ashford?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Hello, this is Kari from Dr. Kiefer’s office. You were here this morning and—”
“Yes, yes. The pregnancy test…”
“Again, congratulations.”
“…Thank you.” Iris sighed, trying to muster fake enthusiasm as she put the woman on speaker phone.
“I need to verify your mailing address, and also make sure we have you scheduled for your next appointment. We’re going to mail out some information and baby formula coupons to you.”
“Thank you.”
The conversation went on for a while, until Kari paused, cleared her throat, then spoke as if she had a top secret.
“Um, the woman who was with you this morning, did you say that was your aunt?”
“Uh, yes. Is something wrong?” Aunt Blue suddenly turned around again and stopped primping in the mirror as she became the topic of conversation.
