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Jax brushes his thumb over my lips. “I don’t want you to go anywhere. I’m selfish. I want you to be with me.”
“Why’s that selfish?”
“Because I know it’s not what you want. I know you have plans.”
“I do want this, but I’m frightened of having my heart ripped out and stomped on.”
The genuine surprise on Jax’s face at my admission pulls me away from my plans to return with Riley. “No, Tegan. I won’t do that. You’re special. Really special. Amazing. Beautiful. I can’t explain but my life colliding with yours hit me harder than I thought it would.”
“Yeah, we kind of exploded.”
His lips hover close to mine, the gap between them may as well not exist, as if he’s touching me already. “And it’s awesome.”
Hard lips push against mine, fingers digging into my hair as we kiss. My heart surges with the scary topic we’re edging around, the one we’re willing each other to tell, but neither of us will.
“You’re a romantic under everything you show the world, aren’t you?”
“Not really, I tell things how they are, you know that. I’m upfront with you about everything and always will be.” He kisses my fingers.
“Always?”
“We’re surrounded by lies, I’m not contributing.”
“You’re not as immature as you make out, are you?”
“Oh, I am. I just don’t want to fuck this up.”
“Just make sure you engage brain before opening mouth and you’ll find life easier.”
He laughs. “I never had a sister. Know fuck all about how the female brain works.”
“That’s abundantly clear.” I stand and hold my arms out, pulling him to his feet.
“We can do this, can’t we? Me and you, we can work,” I whisper, resting my forehead on his.
“Yes. If we believe we can.”
“I’m always up for a challenge.”
“I’m in if you are.”
“All in?”
“All in.”
We laugh at our lightening of the moment, but underplaying this is a promise. A commitment to a future together. In a roundabout Jax and Tegan way. It’s a good thing we can read between the lines of what we refuse to say.
34
LONDON,ENGLAND
TEGAN
I leave for London a week later. The omnipotent Bryn installs me in his large apartment in the city, concerned my relationship with Jax still could lead to issues with fans. If his apartment wasn’t as awesome, and the location closer to the offices than the house I lived in with Phoebe before the tour, I wouldn’t agree. I share Bryn’s concern about rabid fans, but never admit this to him. The last thing he needs is more ammunition against my involvement with the bands.
Bryn sends a car to take me to and from the PR offices in the city. I’m photographed once a day anyway, my press following would keep any unwanted attention away — apart from theirs. I refuse to do the head bowed, pissed off look, or argue with the journalists. They’d love me to, but I smile and wave. This seems to work as I’m absent from the celebrity news. There aren’t many stories they can make up if there’s no picture that could be used to show discord in my relationship with Jax.
Jax. I haven’t seen him for a few days; but unlike last time, I’m not concerned about his behaviour. I told him we could look at my time away as an experiment in being apart. The conversation last week exposed ourselves to the point of admitting what we hide. What worries me is the underlying tension in Jax, as if us being apart is more than him missing me. When I left, he made a few pointed comments that sounded as if he thinks I’m rejecting him, which is weird.
