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“Sai, please. You can’t keep score. It will destroy us.” I moved toward him and sat on his bed, leaving space between us.
“I hate this.” He dropped his head into his fisted hands. “I hate feeling this way.”
“I don’t want you to feel like this. What can I do?”
Please, open up to me.
“Just tell me why.” His voice was so small. So unlike the confident, happy man I knew.
“I didn’t plan it. Things just happened.”
“With everyone but me. Are you not attracted to me that way?” He turned his head just enough to meet my eyes.
My throat tightened. “Sai, no. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I told you before the bond marks, before any of this, that I was attracted to you.”
“Yeah, and Theo and Niall,” he grumbled.
“I couldn’t control that then any more than I can now.”
I refused to feel guilty about that. I was honest with him. I opened my heart even though I was terrified. Now he was holding it against me?
“I’ll always be your friend. Just your friend.” He stared down at his fists.
“That’s not true. I don’t think of you like that.”
“Then why?” he begged.
“There’s only one of me, Sai. The scales will never be perfectly balanced. It’s impossible, so you cannot do this. Please don’t.” I scooted closer, but he flinched. I froze.
He stared straight ahead. “Will I always be last to you?”
I bit my bottom lip to keep from screaming and took a deep breath. He was in pain. I had to remember that. “You aren’t last. I don’t think of any of you that way. There's no ranking or favorites.”
He scoffed. “You were forced into this. With all of us. Would you have ever chosen me?”
“What?” I gasped. He wasn’t listening. My words weren’t reaching him.
He finally faced me. “Would you have ever wanted me on your own?”
“Yes! I told you that.”
His eyes darkened. This wasn’t my Sai. “You had feelings for three of us. Would you have chosen me?”
I searched his face for any trace of the soft, kind man I knew. “I didn’t know I had to.”
A low growl came from him.
This wasn’t working. I had to get him to listen, not just to my words, but to my heart.
“Sai, I’m attracted to you. I want to kiss you. I want to touch you and memorize the feeling of you. I want to be wrapped up in you and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist. I want to lay with your tiger and give him cheek mohawks. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile. I want all of that more than I can say, but life hasn’t exactly taken into consideration what I want lately. We’re all having to steal moments when we can. I’m sorry we haven't had that chance yet. I miss you.”
My shoulders fell. I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally. Being in a relationship was hard. I knew that from what others had told me, but managing four relationships was impossible.
“I’m not sure I can do this.” His voice was barely a whisper.
I twisted, bringing up my knee, and moved as close to him as I could. “Sai, please. It won’t always be like this.”
“I don’t see how it will ever change.”
