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I gently wipe a tear from her cheek, but she quickly backs away.
Sniffing back my own tears, I try my hand at honesty again.
“That’s part of why I didn’t say anything. You shut me out for a month, Rae. I understand why, but it was one of the worst months of my life. I was scared to push you before you were ready to do anything. It’s the same reason I stopped today—yesterday—whatever. I didn’t want to lose you. Then you ran away, and it made me question whether we should even be doing this…”
Her hand comes to her mouth, and she shakes her head. “So, you did want me, but because it’s hard, now you’re not sure?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“It sure as hell seems like it!”
“Because you’re still hearing what you want to hear!”
She steps up to me, throwing her finger in my face. “I’m hearing the truth. You’re not sure about us.”
“I’m not sure what we should do. I think we should—”
She holds up her hand, stepping back, pain filling her eyes. “You need to leave. I can’t do this. I can’t keep shoving my heart at you and having you throw it on the ground. Because one of these times, it will shatter and I won’t be able to fix it.” She chokes on tears as I stare at her in disbelief, tears streaking my cheeks.
“No. I don’t want to lose us. That’s why—”
“It’s too late.”
My heart seizes.Is this what a heart attack feels like?“Please don’t say that.” I take her hand, unable to stop my tears. “You’re my best friend. I can’t do this without you. You’re my person. We can figure this out.”
She swallows audibly and steps back, ripping her hand from mine. “I will always be your person.Always. But I can’t be your best friend right now. You were the person I trusted the most. I know you’re scared, but I can’t pretend this didn’t happen. I can’t go back. We crossed every line and there’s no undoing it.”
“Even if I want you?”
“That’s the problem, Aaron. I can’t trust that anymore. Like I can’t trust you. I just have to hope that one day I won’t feel like this anymore. That one day I can get over you.”
My chest heaves with a sob. “I can’t—we’re supposed to fix this.”
She shakes her head, wiping her eyes and doing her best to project strength. But the only strength I see in her eyes is the strength of those fucking walls. She might’ve let me in, asked me to explain, but it was always going to go this way. She didn’t have any intention of letting her guard down enough for us to figure it out. No, her heart was locked away, just like always. I know we’ve fucked up so many ways, but if she’d give it to me, I’d never let it go. I’d protect her heart with everything inside me. Why doesn’t she see that? Why can’t I manage to show her that?
“You need to go.”
I reach for her, eyes pleading, but she shakes her head and looks away.
“Go.”
I stare at her for a moment longer, willing the right words to come, but I have nothing. Joel was right. I should’ve waited. I thought if I came over here now, maybe the walls wouldn’t be so strong, but I was wrong. Maybe time would’ve weakened them.
Now, here we are. And here fucking sucks.
She flares her eyes and looks at the window.
I wipe my eyes and reluctantly put on my boots and coat.
Sliding the window open, I turn back to her. “I love you. That’s not going to change.”
She meets my gaze for a moment, then drops it.
With nothing left to do, I climb out the window and watch as she shuts it behind me.
Heart crushed to oblivion, I force my feet to move, making my way home.
Emptiness is all I feel.
