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I’ve tried to sit with it, to let myself feel it, but nothing has changed. I can’t stop replaying that night, reliving that moment.
I wasn’t raped, I tell myself repeatedly. But it doesn’t help. I still feel his hand on my leg. His fingers gripping my wrist. My skin crawls thinking of him touching it. I find myself picking at my lips when I remember him kissing me.
I want to scream.
I want to sit under the hottest water I can find, so maybe all those feelings will wash away.
I should probably talk to someone about it, but… the thought of telling my parents? That kills me. Seeing the pain in their eyes, having to relive it all again… I can’t do it.
I can barely look at my friends. Sarah and Aaron always have concern in their eyes when they look at me these days. Not that it’s necessarily wrong. Everyone else, I can see the haunted look, even if they try to hide it. Hell, I can barely even look at Miles. I know everyone knows I’m still messed up from this, but they don’t know how badly. Well, Sarahmight. Maybe. She definitely knows something is wrong. She always knows. Probably why she’s been glancing over at me all night.
Across the fire, Aaron’s eyes find mine. Aaron freaking Cooper. Of course, he knows something is wrong. I’m pretty sure he can read my mind. No, actually, that’s not it. He can read mysoul.
All the more reason I want to hide. I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t.
I’m not ready yet.
It’s okay that I don’t want to talk, that it’s still affecting me, right?
I won’t feel this way forever.
It’ll get better soon.
Right?
I watch Aaron flex his hand, then crack his knuckles and wince.
A pang of guilt rushes through me. I know what happened to me wasn’t my fault. But I could have left the dance floor with him. I could have gone for a walk with him. Maybe then I’d be in his arms right now and not feeling like this.
In case I needed another thing to kick me when I’m down, those feelings are all still there for him, even if I can’t exactly access them right now. Every time I even think of them, it’s like my heart or my brain says,sorry, wrong password, and won’t let me in. Not that I could imagine being physical with anyone right now, anyway.
That’s it. I don’t want to be here anymore.
I look around at all of our friends. I can’t just leave. Then they’d all know and probably stage someHow I Met Your Mother-style intervention. I can’t pretend to get drunk because I never drink much. I glance around the fire and notice the basket of blankets sitting nearby.Perfect.
I grab one and throw it over me, then lean back in the chair and close my eyes. If I pretend to be asleep, someone will come wake me, then I can make an escape without it seeming weird.
It’s possible I’m overthinking this, but whatever.
I close my eyes and take deep breaths. It feels calming and meditative, especially with the sound of the fire crackling in the background.
Aaron
I watch Rae from across the fire, concern welling in my stomach again. It’s been six weeks since the party. It’s not like I’m expecting her to be all better. But she’s still so withdrawn. She’s pretending she’s fine, but she won’t meet anyone’s eyes. She barely talks. The girl I see isn’t my vibrant, sassy best friend. No matter what feelings I might have for her, it’s our friendship driving me right now. She’s always been the type to pull away when she’s overwhelmed or hurting, but she’s never been through anything like this before.
I exchange a quick glance with Sarah as Rae grabs a blanket and curls up in a chair.
I need to try to get through to Rae tonight, because if I don’t… we’re going to tell her parents. Sarah and I don’t want to betray her trust, but if she won’t let anyone in to help, we need backup. She might hate us, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take to make sure she heals.
My phone goes off and I slide it out of my pocket, seeing a text from Caity Nichols. Up until recently, Caity was an acquaintance. A friend of a friend. But since we were paired for a month-long group project toward the end of the school year, we became friends. I’m surprised she and her best friend, Aiden, never hung out with us before. Mostly because they seem like they’d mesh with our friend group pretty well. Caity and I get along because we’ve got some similarities, like both being only children. Or both of us having feelings for our best friends. I mean, she never explicitly said that, but it’s pretty obvious she’s in the same situation as me. But that’s irrelevant now.
Caity: Hey. So, this might not be my place since I’m not close with all of you guys, but… I saw Rae today, and she seemed off. Spaced out or sad, maybe? I don’t know. But I’ve never seen her look that way. I wanted to reach out in case you didn’t know. I’d want to know if it was Aiden. If you do know, then I hope everything is okay.
Me: Hey. Thanks for checking in. I can’t get into all of it, but there’s some stuff going on. Appreciate you telling me, though.
Caity: I know we aren’t all super close or anything, but if you guys need anything, let me know.
Me: Thanks.
