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Mackie begins. “Listen, I can tell you I’ve never experienced anything like what you went through. There was the time during sophomore year when some senior kissed me without asking me first, and I had to shove him away, but that’s all I’ve been through. After tonight, it’s a little scary thinking how easily it could be my turn. I mean, I know we all know that itcanhappen, but we’re taught that if we’re ‘safe’ and ‘smart’ it somehow won’t happen to us. But you were both of those things tonight and look what happened. If you hadn’t been both of those things…” she trails off. “The world is really fucked up for women a lot of the time.”
Sarah shakes her head. “I was with Trevor for so long that we were always together at most parties. There was one time sophomore year when we were at some party out in the country in some field and Will Ames—you guys remember him?” We both nod. He was an asshole. “He was a senior at the time and he started flirting with me when Trevor was getting us drinks. I kept trying to get away from the conversation, but he kept following me. He grabbed me by the waist and tried to dance with me. Then Trevor came back and threatened to beat his ass. That’s the most I ever had to deal with. I’m sorry, baby. I guess you earned this badge of shittiness first.”
“I hope you guys never earn it,” I mutter.
“Rae baby,” Sarah says, reaching across the table for my hand. I let her give it a squeeze, then stand up.
“I just want to go try to sleep.”
Sarah nods. “Sure.”
I walk to the freezer and grab a fresh ice pack for Aaron’s hand before heading back to the living room.
He’s still asleep in the corner of the couch. I gently shake his shoulder, and his eyes flash open.
“Hey,” he says. “What time is it?”
“Around three,” I say. “I was catching up with everyone.” I hold out the ice pack. “Here, I brought this for your hand. Are you sure it’ll be okay?”
“Thanks.” He takes it from my hand and replaces the now-warm one with it. “My hand will be fine. It was only a few punches. And luckily, it’s the off-season now.”
I nod, but I’m not sure I believe him.
“Where’s your head at?” he whispers.
I sigh and shake my head. “I have no idea. It’s a mess right now.” I’ve never felt like this before. This empty, broken, something-is-wrong kind of feeling. It’s scary and overpowering and I hate it. I want it to disappear.
Aaron slides down on the couch and opens his arms. “Come on, Beautiful. Let’s get some sleep.”
I nod, because that’s all I want right now, comfort and sleep. And while nothing can completely comfort me or bring me peace, Aaron helps a lot. I cozy up next to him. He runs his hands through my hair and plays with it, which instantly calms me and makes me feel safe.
I take big, long breaths, trying to find all the calm that I can. I roll over and look at Aaron. He smiles softly at me. My eyes meet his and we stare at each other for a long moment.
I nestle my head against his shoulder. “Goodnight,” I whisper softly.
“Night, Beautiful,” he whispers back.
Then I fall asleep in the only place that feels safe right now, Aaron’s arms.
Chapter two
Forced Smiles on Summer Nights
Rae
Theflamesdancinginthe fire calms my soul. It’s a moment of peace I haven’t felt much lately. Then there’s a burst of boisterous laughter and it all slips away. Any peace I felt is gone.
Another Friday night, another bonfire at Joel’s with the six of us and all of our friends dropping in. It’s been like this all summer. After what happened at the party, I tried to deal with what happened and move on. I put on big smiles and laughed extra hard, acted more engaged in everything than normal.
Basically, the theme of my summer has been forced smiles on summer nights.
That would be a good album name.
But as summer has gone on, I haven’t felt any better. It’s early August. More than six weeks since the party, and I’m slowly unraveling.
I don’t understand why I still feel this way… I’m okay.
Except I’m not.
