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Does he want me to stop him?
Should I stop him? If I told him I love him, would he still go? Does it matter anyway? My brain and my heart are arguing. My heart reminds me what my grandmother and mother have spent my life teaching me: you love with your heart, not your brain. But my brain is not interested. My brain says he shouldn’t be dating someone else if he wants me. He should be choosing me. Is it wrong to want someone who wants me no matter what, not just because I happen to be available?
What am I doing?
Aaron is staring at me, and before I can decide on head versus heart, my mouth goes rogue, siding with my brain. “Well, have a good time.”
My brain cheers.
My heart sinks. And cracks a little.
His face falls, and he nods. “Yeah. Thanks.”
I stand up as he turns toward the stairs. I open my mouth, but no words come out.How did it end up like this?
Tell him not to go!My heart is screaming at me, but I don’t give in. I’m not Meredith Grey. I will not beg someone to choose me if they don’t want to.
Instead, I watch the boy I love walk off my porch and leave for a date with a girlfriend who is not me. Despite the fact that I’m still pretty sure he’s in love with me.
How did this get so fucked up?
Feeling a deep ache in my chest, I head inside, lock up, then make my way across the backyard to Joel’s.
My dad texted he was going to meet my mom and Sarah for dinner. Again, they invited me to come, but I think she needs some alone time with them.
I walk in Joel’s back door and go down to the basement where he and Mackie are hanging out.
“Hey,” Joel says. Then he gets a good look at me and stands up. “What’s wrong?”
“Aaron’s dating Caity,” I say as tears well in my eyes.
Joel winces. “He finally told you?”
“You knew?”
“Wait. Seriously?” Mackie says. “But he’s in love with you!”
“Funny, I thought so, too.” I walk over and plop down on the couch. “I was going to tell him today. I—I know I put him through a lot. This year has been rough. But I thought—”
“He’s a fucking idiot,” Joel says, dropping down next to me. “Did you tell him how you felt?”
I shake my head. “No. I wasn’t going to humiliate myself. Especially if he doesn’t want to be with me.”
“He does.”
I glare at Joel. “It’s easy for you to say that, but you didn’t see him—”
“I’ve watched him for the last twelve years, Rae. He’s in love with you. He’s scared and stupid and—”
“A jackass,” Mackie retorts.
“What was I supposed to do? Be like, ‘hey, I know you just said you have a girlfriend, but I’m in love with you, so maybe you should pick me?’ I’m not desperate. I don’t want to be his second choice.”
“That’s where you’ve got it wrong, Rae Rae. You’ll never be his second choice. You’ve always been number one in his life. The only reason he’s with her is because he thought his first choice wasn’t available.”
I stare at Joel for a minute. “So, you think I should tell him?”
“I think no one in the world will ever mean as much to him as you. He’ll pick you. As soon as he knows… he will.”
