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Matt walks me to the back gate, and I smile up at him. Because he is sweet. He deserves the smile. Hell, he deserves a continuation of this date. Not like sex, but hanging out. Maybe kissing. I could kiss him, right?
Decision time on that, because he’s looking at me like he wants to kiss me. Normal at the end of a date. I should know. Plus, I have a reputation as someone wholoveskissing. Because I do. Or did. I haven’t really since that night.
I inhale deeply as I watch him step in and move closer.
But as his face leans toward mine, a switch flips inside of me, and all I see is Mike Thomas shoving his lips over mine. Matt’s gently placed hand on my arm suddenly makes me think of Mike’s death grip on my wrist, dragging me to that room.
My heart slams into my ribs and tears rush to my eyes. I jump back, clawing the numbers into the lock and opening the gate.
I mutter something about it being a good date and add some variation on the idea ofit’s not you, it’s me. Then I slam the gate shut in the poor boy’s face and run up the stairs.
I probably traumatized him. I feel bad. For him.
And as for me? I feel like shit.
I dash across the deck, pull up the window, slide into my room, and collapse onto my bed. Sobbing. Absolutely sobbing.
Sarah must’ve heard me come in because she’s in my room in a second, probably wanting to hear about my date. But when she sees me crying hysterically, she quickly drops down next to me and pulls me into her arms.
“Rae baby, what happened?”
I can’t even say anything. I just sniffle and shake my head. I think about all those coping mechanisms I read for dealing with triggers, but none of them work. I can’t pull myself far enough out of my meltdown to use them.
Sarah rubs her hand firmly up and down my arm, pulling me close to her. Nothing stops the free flow of my tears, though.
“Honey, you’ve gotta talk to me,” she says.
“I… I lied to you,” I say, my voice trembling.
“What do you mean?”
“I said I wasn’t sure about the date because of Aaron and that’s part of it, but really, it’s because—because—” But I can’t get it out before sobs overtake me again.
“Because what, baby?” she asks, gently rubbing my back.
“Because of what happened,” I say.
She pulls back and looks at me for a moment, confused.
“Because of what…” then realization hits, and she squeezes me tightly again. “Oh, honey, shit. I wasn’t even thinking about that. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I wasn’t honest with you about why I didn’t want to go.”
She nods and then rests her head against mine.
“Tell me?”
I let everything pour out of me, breathing shuddery breaths as I do.
“I’ve been feeling a lot better. I really have. But this was the first time someone other than Aaron tried to kiss me and someone other than you guys touched me. And it just—all I could see was him.”
“I’ve said this before, but you went through something extremely traumatic. This is what happens with trauma. Obviously, I have certain triggers because of Vanessa. And that’s not nearly as fresh. This is still pretty new for you and it’s not an easy thing to process. It’s okay not to be ready for things, but, God, I wish you would’ve talked to me about it. We’re sisters. I’m here for you forever, baby.”
“I know,” I sniffle. “But you all saw me go through it. It’s not easy to talk about with anyone, and then to see the haunted looks in your eyes if I talk to you guys about it—it’s hard…” I trail off, sniffling.
She nods again.
“Rae baby, maybe you should talk to someone. Someone who isn’t one of us.”
