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I try again. Then I text her.
Me: I’m sorry.
Me: I should’ve been there.
Me: I promised I would be.
Me: I called. Please call me back. I’ll have my phone on all night.
Me: Seriously. You’re scaring me.
Me: I promised I’d be here for you with this stuff… I understand if you’re mad, but please let me know if you’re okay.
My fingers hover over the keys. I consider typing the wordsI love you, but I don’t.
I consider calling Sarah, but I know if Rae wanted to talk to me, she’d answer. She’s already put her walls up. Now I get to spend tomorrow trying to pull them down again. Brick by fucking brick. But I’ll do it every time. I’ll break down those walls over and over, as many times as I have to. Hopefully, one day, she’ll stop building them between us in the first place.
Letting out a sigh, I head home, texting Joel on the way to let him know what happened.
As I lie in bed, staring at my ceiling, unable to sleep, Rae is all that’s on my mind.I’ve got to figure out my shit.
This time last year, I was starting to realize my feelings for her, but I was denying them. It seems impossible that only seven months ago I was ready to make her mine. Now? It’s still what I want. And it’s still the one thing I feel like I can’t have.
Tomorrow is a new day. I need to talk to her. And I need to make some decisions.
I stare at the ceiling for a while longer before finally falling into a fitful sleep.
Rae
I passed out in Sarah’s room somewhere during our third bad action movie. They got worse as the night went on. After texting Aaron initially, I realized I can’t keep relying on him to be my comfort. I have to figure it out myself and lean on the other people in my life. So, I left my phone and spent the rest of the night with Sarah, letting her take care of me as only she can.
Though we ended up in several different fits of laughter, I can’t shake the weird feeling I’ve had since yesterday. Actually, weird might be the wrong word. It’s familiar in the worst way. I feel off. Uncomfortable. I don’t feel like me. Even after a lazy breakfast with my family and a long, hot shower. Apparently, that little moment with Matt sent my brain right back to trauma central. I know I have to do something. I don’t really want to tell my parents, but if I have to… I guess I will.
I sigh and reach for my phone to do some researching.
Fifteen missed texts. Two missed calls.
Great.
That’s what I get for leaving my phone in my room last night.
Although the peace was pretty nice.
I look through my calls first. Both from Aaron.
And then my texts.
Six from Aaron. Three from Joel. Two from Matt.
I open Matt’s first.
Matt: I’m sorry if I crossed a line last night. I didn’t mean to.
Matt: I had a nice time with you. I’m sorry if I upset you.
Great. Why does a super sweet guy have to be interested in me when I’m emotionally fucked up from being sexually assaulted and also am in love with my best friend?
Me: It’s really, really not you. I am so sorry. I had a great time with you. It’s a long story that I don’t want to get into, but I went through something traumatic with a guy last year (not Davey) and it left me kinda messed up. I don’t think I was ready for a date yet. I’m so sorry I slammed the gate in your face! You’re sweet, and I totally fucked that up. But I promise it was nothing you did.
