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I hope he reads it. And believes me. And doesn’t ask questions. Because I don’t want to talk about it, but I do want him to know it wasn’t his fault.
Matt: Wow. I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t need to know details, but I can put enough together to understand… what you’re saying. I totally understand why you freaked out. Glad to know it wasn’t me that scared you away. I hope you… find some peace about what’s hurting you. Maybe I’ll get the chance to kiss you again one day. Take care. X
Yep. Nicest guy on the planet and he couldn’t have tried to date me at a worse time. But at least I know I didn’t scar him for life.
I flip to Joel.
Joelskies: Heard about your date with Matt. You okay?
Joelskies: Seriously, I’m not dumb. I can figure out why you’d be upset, and I don’t mean A.
Joelskies: Call me if you need me.
Aww.Maybe I should talk to Joel about it. But honestly, I think Sarah and Aaron are right. I need actual help. Not friend therapy.
Me: I LOVE YOU. I was in Sarah’s room last night, so I didn’t see this. But seriously, thank you. I’m alright now, but you are right about the why.
He replies in, like, a nanosecond.
Joelskies: I LOVE YOU TOO. Always. I know you usually go to Aaron with this stuff or Sarah when she decides she’s gonna get it out of you… but I am your OG best friend. I will always be here. BTW I might’ve passed the Matt info on to Aaron.
Me: I know. You are my OG best friend and I appreciate you more than you will ever know. <3 Anyway, I have a bunch of missed texts and two missed calls from Aaron, so… ya know.
Joelskies: Good luck with that.
I flip to Aaron even though I don’t really want to read his texts. I’m not mad at him, it’s just… we can’t keep doing this. We say we’re best friends, but emotionally, we act like more than that with the way we are with each other, how we prioritize each other. It’s part of what led to our relationships with Marisol and Davey ending. And at some point, we have to own that. I know he won’t put the distance there, so I’m going to. Not to mention being in love with him while he dates someone else isn’t exactly easy.
Ace: I’m sorry.
Ace: I should’ve been there.
Ace: I promised I would be.
Ace: I called. Please call me back. I’ll have my phone on all night.
Ace: Seriously. You’re scaring me.
Ace: I promised I’d be here for you with this stuff… I understand if you’re mad, but please let me know if you’re okay.
I sigh, reading the texts. I know I should respond, but I can’t figure out what to say. Talking to him in person might be better. But I need to deal with my own shit first.
Last night, I was researching options online and saw the website for a local “crisis center” which I thought meant, like, a shelter. But apparently, it’s more than that. I didn’t get to read the whole website last night, so I pull it up on my phone now and read more.
It’s called Hope and Healing Center and they offer all kinds of things—counseling, referrals, outreach, peer support and more. It also says they’re looking for volunteers to help out around the center.
Volunteers?
I don’t know if I’m in a place to help anyone else, but I’d love to get involved with something like that. I’ve known for a while that I wanted to get into some type of counseling, but ever since what I went through, I’ve been thinking about getting into this area. Maybe this place will be good for me in more ways than one.
After a quick call, I learn the director is in and open to speaking with me, even though it’s Saturday.
This is good. Something for me.
And I don’t even have to tell my parents if I don’t want to.
I don’t want to. Not yet.
With a deep breath, I climb out my window and start the walk downtown.
