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He shakes his head at me. “It’s not okay. And I don’t give a shit if she or anyone else likes it. You are one of the most important people in my life. Anyone who doesn’t understand that, doesn’t need to be in it. I’m not going to stop calling you ‘Beautiful.’ Besides, it’s part of our deal, for when we get married one day.”
He gives me a cute little smile as he says it, but I can see he’s serious, too.
“You still think we’re going to get married someday?” We’ve joked about it, and I started to think that maybe we would. But then he started dating Caity and I second-guessed everything, especially how he feels about me.
“Of course, why wouldn’t we? We promised each other.”
I stare at him in disbelief. He literally has a girlfriend, and he’s looking at me likeI’minsane for thinking we won’t get married someday.
“That was before, Aaron. Before we grew up. Before you started dating Caity. Before I—”
I stop myself. I will not tell him I love him. Not here. Not now. Not like this.
“Listen,” I say with a sigh. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m trying to—I want you to know that it’s okay if you can’t be there for me every second. We need to rely a little less on each other, and realizing that, helped me do something today that I hope you’ll be proud of me for. If you want to hear about it.”
He softens and takes my hands in his, then pulls us both down onto my bed.
“Of course I want to hear about it. Tell me.”
“Okay, well both you and Sarah suggested I talk to someone about things and so I decided to look up some options, and I found the Hope and Healing Center. Have you heard of it?”
“It’s that place on Center Street, right?”
“Yes.”
“I thought it was a shelter.”
“So did I, but it’s actually a lot more than that,” I begin, explaining everything they offer and how I’m planning to get involved. “I met with the director today and I’m going to be volunteering there every Saturday morning, plus getting involved with the peer program and maybe even doing outreach for them at the high school.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Wow, Rae, that’s amazing. I am proud, really proud of you.”
I smile for the first time since I saw him on the steps. “Thank you. And she also told me about a support group that meets on Tuesday evenings, so I’m thinking I might go to that. Maybe see if Sarah or Mackie will go with me or something.”
“I’ll go with you,” he says softly.
He’s looking at me tenderly. I don’t want to hurt him. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But him being so emotionally involved with me when he’s dating someone else feels wrong.
“Aaron, I love you for that.”And for so many other reasons, I think to myself before continuing. “But like I said, I can’t be relying on you for this stuff all the time. It can’t be that way. This connection we have, it’s special and important to me, but if we lean into it too hard, it’s going to hurt the people around us, like it did with Marisol and Davey.”
He takes that in, staring at me like a puppy who’s just been scolded. Then he gets a defiant look in his eyes.
“You are my best friend. More than that, you are one of the most important people in my life, maybethemost important. I’m always going to be here for you, full stop, no matter what.”
“Always?” I ask, challenging him.
He nods.
“Aaron, someday, we’re both going to be married. Are you gonna run out on your wife and kids every time I need you?”
He looks hurt again and then says something I wasn’t expecting.
“I told you I meant it when I said I was going to marry you one day.”
I search his face, but there’s not a hint of humor there.
My mind sputters with a million reactions.
Then why are you with someone else?
