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“I know. And I appreciate it. But I don’t ever want to be between you guys. I’m sure as hell not flawless, Joel. I played a part in our relationship ending and you, of all people, know that. You called me on it.”
He sighs and looks over at Aaron again. He’s talking animatedly with Trevor and Jamie, most likely about baseball.
“I know.” His face falls. “Hopefully, our relationship isn’t too fractured to be fixed.”
“It’s not,” I say softly, because I know them both too well.
An arm wraps around each of our necks.
“You two are way too fucking serious right now.” Trevor grins and smacks our shoulders.
“I agree!” Miles yells. “A, let’s make some drinks.”
Aaron’s eyes catch mine and my stomach flips. “Hell yeah,” he says. “Just no tequila.”
He winks at me.
And that’s it.
I’m a puddle.
And a fucking wreck.
Yep, definitely that second one.
Stupid hot ex-boyfriend.
Aaron
The sound of high-pitched laughter emanates from the back deck. Rae’s isn’t the only laughter I hear, but it’s the one I zone in on.
Fuck, even that sound makes me hard.
I take a steadying breath and try to remind my dick that she isn’t ours to play with right now. No matter how hard—ha!—that might be. Carrying a tray of drinks and snacks, I wander out onto the deck and set them down closest to Joel and Rae—who is pulling a blanket over her.
I am jealous of that fucking blanket.
I roll my eyes at myself, giving myself the same silent reminder that I say multiple times a day—whenever I want to grab her hand, steal a kiss, share an intimate moment, or am just horny as all hell—I’m not ready for us yet.
The sweet stuff is great. The sexy stuff is fun. But we’re a tumultuous, emotional mess. I can’t do that right now. I need to be clear-headed and certain of myself. And while I’m working on it, I know I still have a long way to go.
That’s one of the many things I’m working on in my counseling sessions. I’m only going once per month now, but I do a lot of work on my own. Feeling worthless was—and continues to be—one of my greatest triggers. My counselor gave me coping mechanisms I’m working to put into action.
Each morning, I take time to meditate and reconnect with myself. I also write down one thing I’m grateful for, one thing I’ve accomplished—no matter how small—and one positive thing about myself. Those things also help with combating the negative self-talk I tend to struggle with.
Our last session also focused on another thing I struggle with in terms of my worth—being comfortable letting people in and sharing the tough stuff with them. I’m learning to reframe talking to people about my problems from burdening them to trusting them. And that trust is important for the health of my relationships moving forward.
It’s not easy to see my flaws; to stare them down and choose to fight against them and become stronger, but I want to do it. I don’t want to be stuck in the same shit. I want to grow. I want to be better. It takes a lot of self-awareness, but I’m proud of myself for doing it.
“Thanks, Ace,” Rae says cheerily.
“Yeah, thanks,” Joel says softly.
I owe him a conversation. I know I do. I want to get it all out and move on. Fights can turn into rifts if no one is willing to talk and figure out how to fix it. I don’t want that for us—I never have.
“Hey, Joel, where are your shot glasses?” Jamie calls from inside the door.
Joel goes to get up, but I put my hand out. “Sit and relax. I’ve got this, birthday boy.”
