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“That sounds awesome,” Amanda says with a smile. “I didn’t realize he didn’t live nearby. Is it hard when you don’t get to see him?”
She nods. “When I was younger, yeah. We got used to it. I’m close with my mom and stepdad, too. The worst was when everything happened with Hyla. It’s why I went to visit him that weekend even though it was a long drive. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and when I’m upset, he’s the person I want. How’s it being home with your brothers?”
Amanda rolls her eyes. “Pete is fine. He just graduated and has his own apartment. He’s still around the house a lot, but we get along pretty well. He’s very protective of me, though, more worried about where I’m going or what I’m doing than my parents are. Josh, on the other hand…” She shakes her head. “He’s a mess. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, and he’s an ass sometimes. Plus, I’m still best friends with his sort-of-ex and he hates that, so he’s sassy with me a lot. It’s weird being home from college, though. Do you guys feel that way?”
“Definitely,” Sarah says. “Some of it is good weird, though.”
“Like having our own rooms again?” I ask with a laugh.
“Yeah… that’s nice.” She gives me a knowing smile. “Rae baby, how’s work?”
“Well, nannying hasn’t started yet, but it’s nice working with Hope and Healing. She’s letting me twist the program for high school outreach however I want, which is pretty cool. I’ve learned a lot working at Promise, so bringing it back home is awesome.”
“Do you just go to your old high school?” Amanda asks.
“That’s how it started, but I’ve been recruiting other volunteers and am working to make sure we get to all the area high schools at least once a week. Right now, I’m doing a lot of it. Usually in the mornings I go to a different local school, but I like it. I’m also going to the support group on Tuesday. More as a mentor now.”
Amanda’s eyes go wide. “What do you meannow?”
Shit. I forgot I never told her this.
Mackie and Sarah both look at me.
You can do this. You’ve gotten better about talking about it. It’s okay. This is a safe place.
“I was sexually assaulted at a party at the end of eleventh grade.”
Amanda’s face registers shock, then horror, then pain. She reaches out and grabs my hand. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Were you, um…” She squints. “You don’t have to answer.”
“It’s okay. And no, thankfully, Miles saw what was happening and rallied everyone to get me out of there. You know about Aaron not being able to play baseball this year? It was because he lost it on the guy. He was the first one through the door, and he beat the hell out of him before getting me out of there. Got a bunch of little fractures in his fingers that he never got treatment for. They didn’t heal right, and they still cause him a lot of pain. That night changed things. It’s why Miles and I are especially vigilant about not leaving anyone alone at a party. It’s also why I do what I do. I like helping other people who have been through it. It’s my way of finding control in a situation that often seems powerless.”
Amanda’s mouth forms a soft ‘O’ as she whispers, “Wow.”
We all sit in silence for a moment.
“I hope you know how strong you are,” Amanda says quietly. “Not everyone would rise like you did.”
I stifle a laugh. “Believe me, I didn’t rise at first. I was an utter mess. I put everyone through a lot before I let them in.” I glance at Sarah and grab her hand. “Especially Sarah and Aaron. Eventually, I started getting involved. It’s a process, and I’m still learning. Most people in my life don’t know it happened. It still triggers me sometimes. But it’s also helped shape a part of me, which is strange. I’m not thankful for it, but I’m thankful for how I handled it and the support I had.”
Again there’s silence.
Finally, Sarah lets out a loud exhale. “Bet ya wish we’d talked about relationships now, huh?”
I playfully smack her arm. “This stuff is important too.”
All of our phones go off and we look at each other.
The boys must be back.
Sarah grabs hers and reads it. “Sandwiches are at Joel’s. Let’s go!”
I get up slowly and follow the three of them out of the room. It’s been almost two years since that night and I still feel the effects like it happened yesterday. Yet, at the same time, I recognize how far I’ve come. I’m flawed as hell, but if there’s one thing I’m proud of, it’s how I’ve handled this. It hurt a lot, but I let myself grow and learn from it.
And because my brain and my heart have zero chill, they both go to my relationship with Aaron. It hurts like hell. But maybe I’m supposed to learn and grow from all of it.
I can do that despite the soul-crushing ache I feel, right?
Aaron
