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“I’m sure it does. Do you think it’s over for good?”
“No,” I choke out. “And that’s the worst part. I know it’s not over. I know it probably never will be. But I can’t have him right now. And my heart just… aches.”
“It will heal. And I think your relationship will, too. Actually, I know it will. As long as you don’t give up.”
“He asked me not to,” I whisper.
“It sounds like he still needs you.”
“I wish he’d let me in.”
“You of all people should know that’s easier said than done.”
“Kick me when I’m down, Mom,” I tease.
She laughs. “You’re strong, Rae. And relationships aren’t always easy, but if you love someone, you have to keep fighting, even when it feels like the fight has been lost. That’s when you have to fight harder than ever before. Take the time and space you need to heal, but if you still want a future with him, keep fighting for it. In the meantime, be the beautiful, strong, resilient girl I know you are.”
I wipe some tears off my cheeks. “Thanks, Momma.”
“Always, baby.”
The suite door closes and I hear Sarah and Mackie’s voices.
“Sarah’s back with food. I gotta go. Love you.”
“Love you too, honey. You’ll be okay.”
“Bye.”
I hang up and toss the sheets off.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe it will be okay.
But I have a feeling it’s going to hurt like a bitch first.
Chapter five
Olive Branch
Rae
Thelastmonthanda half has been an exercise in how to avoid your ex.Fuck. It still feels wrong to call Aaron that. Because it still doesn’t feel like he is. Even though we’ve hardly spoken. For the first two weeks after we split, I avoided every single group gathering. I threw myself into school work, volunteer opportunities, and working on submitting the different application pieces and information for the Promise Advocacy internship.
That has, by far, been the bright spot since Aaron and I broke up. Well, at least I can manage those words without wanting to vomit now. From the feedback I’ve gotten from the people involved with the internship and my advisor, they seem to really like me. I’m hoping that means I have a good chance of getting it.
Aaron is a big part of my life—was, should be, I don’t know—because he’s a big part of me. But he’s not the only thing. I am more than him, even if it didn’t feel that way in the depths of my sadness. I love what I’m going to school for. And I love what Promise does. I want to do it, too. I’ve been volunteering at the local women’s shelter as well. It’s not exactly what I want to be doing, but it’s close and gets me out of my head and helps others at the same time. I’ll call that a win.
My head feels clearer now than it did a month ago. I’ve spent some time thinking about my future and Aaron and what I want. I know I still want us. I can’t control him, but I’ve been easing myself back into being around him. Well, I’ve tried to this week, at least. But now he’s the one who’s been standoffish. He was the one who begged me not to give up and didn’t want to lose me as a friend. I don’t know if he’s changed his mind or if he’s too fucked up emotionally to even look at me—not that I don’t understand that feeling. I hate that he’s hurting, especially that he’s going through It alone. Or maybe it’s the product of being completely away from each other for a few days.
Last week we had off for Thanksgiving break. And for me, it was truly a break. I’ve never been more thankful that we always go up north to my aunt and uncle’s oversized log cabin. It’s where my mom’s whole family converges for the holiday. Sarah and I jumped at the chance to go up right at the start of break and stay there for the whole thing. We had a blast relaxing with our family, playing with our cousins’ kids in the snow, and spending some time with Grandma and Grandpa.
I refused to talk about anything related to Aaron on vacation, but of course, Grandma and Grandpa weren’t having that. Surprisingly, they weren’t too pushy about it. Mostly, they told me they loved me, but still reminded me they thought Aaron would get through this and we’d find our way. And as much as I hate to admit it, my heart says the same thing.
I remember after the snow day last year, Mackie said that Aaron and I would never be done, no matter what. I think she’s right. And I have no idea how that makes me feel.
“Earth to Rae.”
I snap back to the real world and look at Kevin sitting kitty-corner from me. We’re in the library studying for our second espionage fiction test. Kevin has been a surprisingly good friend. When he hit on me early in the year, I was worried he’d bethat guy. But he wasn’t. He’s been respectful of my relationship and break up with Aaron. But I fully admit, the more we’ve gotten to know each other, the morecomfortablewe’ve become. It’s not like I want to date anyone, but it’s nice to feel attractive and flirt.Just a little bit.Right?
