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I hold up my hand. “I get it.” I pause and take another sip of my coffee. “Do you understand why I was so hurt?”
“I know how it felt when I saw you and Kevin kissing so I could guess…”
“That’s part of it. It hurt because, yeah, Kevin kissed me. And it felt wrong. In every single way it felt wrong. Because I still feel… in so many ways I still feel like yours. I can’t imagine being with someone else right now. So, it hurt that you could. It made me feel like I didn’t matter. And it also hurt becauseyouare the one who asked me not to give up on us, but then you went and slept with someone else. It felt like the last nail in the coffin.”
He nods. “I understand. And for the record, it didn’t mean anything with her. I never could have… I couldn’t really care for someone else. Not now. Maybe not—”
“Don’t,” I say. “It hurts too much.”
“Did you mean it? What you said this morning? About being done? All of it?”
I stare at him. “If you had said it to me after you saw me kissing Kevin, would you have meant it?”
“Of course not.”
“Then you have your answer.”
We sit silently for a moment before he asks, “Where does this leave us?”
I blow out a long breath.
“I don’t know. I wish I did. Right now… just sitting here talking with you hurts. Because it’s still there. Us. We’re still connected. You still have my heart, even if it is shattered in tiny pieces now.” He inhales sharply when I say that. His eyes get glassy. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I won’t lie to you either.”
“I know,” he says softly. “I guess I want to know if there’s hope for us. Our friendship, anything…”
I nod. Anger shoots through me. I try to press it down, but I can’t. “Well, I’m glad you’re thinking about us and our friendshipnow.” I take a gulp of my coffee and kick myself. That was mean. Sometimes it’s hard not to want to hurt him.
He blinks at me a couple of times.
“Sorry. Clearly, we should be having this conversation with alcohol instead of coffee,” I say with a faint smile.
He gives me a little smirk then, unexpectedly, he intertwines his fingers loosely through mine where they’re resting on the back of the couch.
My breath catches and tears rush to my eyes. I should pull away, but I can’t. I take in the sensation first. The feel of our fingers twisting together. I have no idea when I’ll feel it again, so I take it in before I lightly pull my hand away and wipe my tears.
“I’m still your person, Aaron. I always will be. Obviously,” I say, gesturing to his hand, “it’s still there. But as for the rest of it… being best friends, hell even just being friends… it’s gonna take time. I wish I could tell you how long. Honestly, I wish I knew. I’d say until my heart doesn’t hurt anymore, but…” I sniffle back more tears. “I don’t think it will stop hurting without you.” I wipe the tears off my face and see him doing the same. “Like I said, I’m not trying to hurt you. I wish it could just go back. I wish we could be best friends again. But it’s not that simple. I have to figure out how to be friends with you even with that hurt still there. And I don’t know how long that’s going to take me.”
He nods at me.
“I understand.”
“I’ll still be around… but we can’t beusright now. And maybe that’s okay. We both need to focus on ourselves. Find our way without each other. That’s a part of this, right? So, figure your life out… figure yourself and your shit out. And we’ll see where we end up. Okay?”
He nods. “Yeah. Yeah.”
We sit quietly for a moment. He squeezes my leg lightly and rises from the couch. “I’ll let you get back to your book.”
I nod, but as he gets to the door, I say, “Thanks for wanting to talk about it. We’ll get there.”
“Yeah. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
And then he’s gone.
I sit back against the couch and take a few deep breaths. Sarah wanders out of our room and sits down next to me.
“You okay?” she asks, leaning over and wiping my tears.
