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“I’m not depressed. I mean, Iam, just not in the medical diagnosis kind of way. I’m lost. I’m trying to find myself. I don’t know which way is up. I need time to work it out. To figure things out. Yes, I’m not happy with myself. Yes, I’m hurting. But it’s not depression. It’s life at the moment.”
His hand comes to my shoulder. “Whatever you want to call it, stop trying to face it alone. Dragons, monsters, demons, they’re all a lot easier to fight when you’re not alone.”
I nod. And I almost let my walls down. But no matter what he says, no one can fix what’s inside of me. I’ve got to do it, but I have no idea where to start. Actually, that’s not true. I know where I need to start. I need to fix things with Rae. Or I need to fix where we’re at now so we can move forward. I don’t want things to be this way between us. I want to pull her into my arms and beg her to consider what she said earlier. To talk like she wanted to before I went to that stupid party. But I know that’s not fair. For now, I want to truly apologize and talk about what happened.
Jesse’s shoulder bumps mine. “She didn’t mean it. She was pissed as hell, but we both know she didn’t mean it. Give her some time to cool off and try again. Maybe don’t say anything dickish next time.” He smirks at me.
“Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “Thanks.”
“Like I said, A, I’m your friend. I’m here for you. Even when I’m back at school… you can call me. I know it’s not always easy with the six of you. Your friendship is so deep that sometimes you guys are too interconnected. I’m here if you need someone outside of that.”
My eyes narrow as I take him in. “You’re a good guy, J.”
He laughs. “Obviously.”
I laugh too and slug his shoulder. “Come on, let’s get back. It’s freezing out here.”
He nods and we head back to the dorm. I haven’t solved anything, but I feel a little better. For a minute, I can actually believe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel of shit.
Rae
Jesse left earlier today. I have no idea what he and Aaron talked about, but he came back in ready to cheer me up. Joel and Sarah had already talked me down at that point. I cried a lot. Partially out of anger at Aaron and partially out of anger at myself. I know he made mistakes and shitty choices, but I didn’t need to flip out on him like that. I always do that when I’m pissed. I completely lose it and usually say a bunch of stuff I don’t mean. I’m the worst with him because I’m trying to hurt him like he hurt me. That makes me hate myself even more. Only because I know he’s already hurting enough as it is.
The truth is, I just want us to be okay. I’m not sure how to get there from here. It feels like everything we were is shattered on the ground, and even if we wanted to put the pieces back together, we can’t, because we can’t find some of them.
I want to reach out to him, but I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure I’m ready yet. So I’m doing the sensible thing and ignoring it hard. Okay, maybe notsensible. But it’s about all I can muster at the moment. Right now, I’m relaxing and doing something that makes me feel good.
I’m snuggled up in the corner of the couch reading one of my favorite series. Each book is about a different guy in a small town and the girl that shows him what love is all about. This one is my favorite in the series. The girl who always had a crush on her brother’s best friend, and now, as a single dad, he falls for her too. Their romance is all the swoon and everything my romantic heart needs right now.
There’s a knock on the door and it opens.
“Hey,” Aaron says. “I brought some coffee. I thought… we should talk.”
Well, apparently the universe heard me and decided for me. Or he just knows me. Bastard. He walks toward the couch as I close my book and toss it on the coffee table.
“Yeah, we probably should,” I say, taking the coffee he’s holding out to me.
He sits down at the opposite end of the couch as I take a sip.
He points at the book. “Reading it again?”
I nod, not able to answer right away, because I’m overcome with emotion. Over coffee. He brought me my favorite coffee order—a salted caramel mocha with extra whipped cream.
Well, actually, that’s not true. It’s not my favorite. It’s my drink of choice when I’m upset or feel crappy. He knows that. That’s why he brought it. No matter what he’s done or how he’s hurt me, he still knows me better than anyone. And he’s still doing those little things to make me happy. Even when he’s crushing me in other ways.
I blink back my tears and say, “Yeah, you know that book series feels cozy, comforting. Kinda like this.” My gaze drops to the coffee as I pick at the cardboard sleeve with the café’s logo on it.
He gives me a little nod and then says, “I need to apologize.”
For what thing? There are so many to choose from.
But I don’t want to be a bitch, so I bite my cheek and breathe until something less bitchy comes to me.
“A lot has happened recently, Aaron. Care to narrow that down?”
Okay, still a little bitchy, but better.
“I deserve that,” he says with a little grimace. “First, I’m sorry for yelling at you about what happened with Kevin, especially when I didn’t even know the truth. And I’m sorry for…” he shakes his head, unable to say it. “I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry you had to hear about it. I’m sorry for all of it.” He sighs and then adds, “I’d say I’m sorry for hurting you in general lately, but that almost seems—”
