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“And when you walked away from Aaron, I watched him go slam one shot and then another. I’m worried,” Jamie says.
I glance at Jamie, who looks like he wants to cry. Jamie is the oldest in his family. He has two sisters and a brother who are much younger. He’s always seen Aaron as a big brother. Since Aaron is an only child, he leaned into that relationship with Jamie.
“That isn’t the Aaron Cooper I know,” Jamie says.
“He hasn’t been that person for a while.” I twist my fingers together and crack my knuckles.
Nick slides a hand over mine and gives me a soft smile. “It’s okay not to be okay.”
“I think Aaron needs to hear that more than me.”
Nick lets out a sigh. “What happened? How’d he get here?”
“He lost baseball,” Jamie says.
My chest tightens. I keep trying not to blame myself for it. He’d have done it for anyone. He made the choice, but it’s hard. If it wasn’t for that stupid party, he wouldn’t have lost that piece of himself. It might not have prevented everything else, but it would’ve helped. Baseball has always grounded him. Now he’s untethered in every way, and he’s leaning into floating away.
“Rae?” Nick’s concerned voice cuts through my thoughts. “Are you okay? You look like Maia does when she’s about to have a panic attack.”
I shake my head. “No panic attack. Just a traumatic memory.”
“About Aaron losing baseball?” Jamie asks, confused.
“How did he hurt himself? He said it was a fight, but that’s not like him. Joel is usually the punchy one. And it started before they fought or he punched Jesse.” Nick glances at me again. “Something more happened, didn’t it?”
I inhale sharply and push down the emotion building in my chest. I bite at my lip. I’m trying to become more comfortable talking about what happened. It’s an important part of moving forward. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I know I can trust them.
“I was sexually assaulted at a party at the end of junior year.” Jamie gasps while Nick’s fists curl into balls. “It could have been a lot worse. Everyone got to me, but not before the guy dragged me off to a bedroom. Aaron was, of course, the first one through the door. He wailed on the guy. He had a bunch of microfractures in his fingers that he tried to play off, and they never healed quite right. They aren’t crooked, but his hand is stiff and he can’t grip the ball the way he used to. He was doing some physical and occupational therapy for it, but he felt like it wasn’t doing enough to matter, so he quit.” I look between their horrified faces. “Anyway, now you know.”
For a moment, neither of them says anything.
“That’s a lot to deal with,” Nick says softly. “For both of you.”
“Yeah. It is. I mean, I can’t say it’s what prevented us from being together or what tore us apart, but it’s always been a weight. It got better when we came clean to our parents. But that day changed me. And it ended baseball—at least playing like he used to—for Aaron.
“Does he blame you?” Jamie asks. “Is that why—”
I quickly shake my head. “No. No. In fact, he got mad at me for blaming myself. He blames himself for a lot of it. We got in a fight and he walked away from me. He always thought if he stayed, it wouldn’t have happened. But other people were in the room, and I was a big part of the reason he walked away. Then he made the choice to punch the guy so hard, to not get treatment. Everything. Aaron always shoulders blame he shouldn’t. Combine that with what happened and how he’s feeling out of control at school… it’s a mess.”
“And that’s why you broke up?” Jamie asks. “He was the one who ended it?”
I swallow hard. Tears prickle in my eyes. “He said the words. But…” I trail off as my heart pounds, as I think the words I hate to admit, but that have occurred to me more and more over the last two months. “I pulled away. I don’t think I fought for him like I should have.” I shake my head and stand up, fidgeting as I move around Joel’s bedroom. “Now he’s spiraling. He lost baseball. He seems to hate what he’s studying. Our relationship—or whatever it is at this point—is a wreck. He seems miserable most of the time, but he won’t let us in. And then—”
“He starts drinking and makes it worse?” Jamie asks, voice tight.
I squint at him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jamie mad, let alone at Aaron. Maybe for a shitty call in a game, but even then, Jamie is extremely even-tempered. “Yeah.”
“It’s bullshit,” Jamie says, suddenly standing up. “I don’t care how angry or hurt or lost or whatever he is… drinking isn’t the answer. Pissing your future and your goals away isn’t the answer. He’d be the first to tell anyone else that. Where is he for himself?”
Without waiting for an answer, Jamie leaves the room. I gape at the doorway until Nick steps in front of me.
“This sounds like the dumbest thing on the planet, but are you okay?”
I bark out a laugh. “Oh boy. I don’t know, Nick. I really don’t know. I’m just clawing my way through the hard stuff, sometimes with more grace than others. I didn’t need to get so upset with him tonight. We didn’t need to do that in front of everyone. Turns out being in love with your ex while trying to be friends with him is not easy.” I shake my head. “What’s stupid is that it still feels wrong to describe him as my ex. He still feels like my future.”
Nick smiles his most annoying knowing smile at me. “Because he is. Remember what I told you… real love.”
I roll my eyes and elbow him.“Twist the knife, Nick.” But I smile as I say it.
