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She sighs. “You’re not acting like yourself lately, Aaron. And I know you’ve had a tough few months, but your dad and I are worried about you. You know, if you wanted to take a semester off and come home—”
“No!” I clear my throat and lower my voice. “No. That’s not what I want. It’s not school. I love the school and being with my friends.” Okay, I haven’t shown it much lately, but I do. I may not like what I’ve been studying, but I love the college itself and I would hate being away from everyone.
Her hand slides down my arm to my hand and squeezes it. “We’re not trying to take anything away from you. We just want you to know you can always come home.”
I nod, working to control my breathing and my emotions. I hate feeling like this, like I’m going to go nuclear any second. All the turmoil inside of me is just waiting for the right moment to break free. And probably fuck things up even more.
“I know. I didn’t mean to snap. I have a lot going on in my head.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I hesitate. A part of me wants to. But I know if I tell her, it’ll make her more worried. I don’t want that.
“No. Just working through everything. It’ll take me some time.”
“Everything?” she prods.
My lips almost pull into a smile, but instead, my face turns serious again. “Losing baseball. My relationship with Rae. Figuring out school stuff. I hated the education major. I’m not sure what I want to do yet, so I’m gonna focus on liberal arts this semester. Hopefully that will help. I’ll get there.”
She nods. “I believe you, honey. Your dad and I are always around if you need us.”
“I know, Mom. Thanks.”
I head toward the stairs, but she calls after me.
“Aaron?”
I spin to face her. “Yeah, Mom?”
She blinks back tears and walks over to me, pulling me into a tight hug. “I love you.”
The words combined with the tone of her voice nearly shatter me. My lip trembles as I try to keep the flood of emotions behind the dam I’ve built.
“I love you too, Mom. I’m sorry. I’m a mess right now.”
She squeezes me tighter. “I don’t care. You’re my baby, my only baby, and I’m gonna love you through even the muckiest times. I’m always here for you, whatever you need. Just know how loved you are.” I sniffle back tears and hold her tighter. “You’re going to be okay,” she whispers.
And the dam breaks.
Though they may not be coming out in words, all of the emotions pour out of me in tears in the safety of my mother’s arms. Other than when I broke up with Rae, I haven’t cried like this with her since I was a kid.
She lets me cry until nothing else comes. When I finally get to my room, I’m emotionally exhausted. Nothing is solved. And even though it’s a little embarrassing to have cried like that to my mother with no explanation, I needed it. It felt good to stand there in her arms and let all my emotions out, all my pain, with no expectation or judgment. It was pure safety. And even though it didn’t change anything, I hurt a little less now. I guess that’s something.
Chapter seven
Become a Spy
Rae
MyphoneblaresoutThe Manby Taylor Swift. I always set my ringtone to a song. Makes me more likely to actually notice my phone ringing. Bonus points that this song is a perfect empowering jam.
I motion to Amanda, who I’m walking across campus with, to step off to the side as I answer.
“Rae McKinley.” I’ve taken to answering my phone like that if it’s a number I don’t know. I’m trying to sound professional. I’m not sure if it’s working.
“Hello, this is Kristen calling from Promise Advocacy.” A knot of excitement and anxiety forms in my stomach. “I wanted to confirm your interview for tomorrow morning at eight.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be there. I’m looking forward to it.” I try to control my breathing and not sound too eager.
