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Amanda laughs and winks at her. There’s a chorus of goodbyes as she leaves.
“Hey, why’s Rae not going tonight?” I ask Sarah.
She locks eyes with me and her jaw sets. “Doesn’t matter. She isn’t.”
“She shouldn’t have to. It’s just a party. What’s up all your asses? I swear you’re like a hive mind or something.” Amanda leans back in her chair and looks at us.
No one else says anything, not wanting to cross the combination of Sarah and Amanda. I lean over and whisper to Sarah, “Is it because I’m going?”
Sarah rolls her eyes hard. “Not everything is about you.” She doesn’t sayassholebut her eyes say she’s thinking it. Sarah shoves her chair from the table and stands. “I’ve got class.”
Mackie and Amanda nod in agreement and stand up with Sarah. When the girls are gone, Joel turns to look at me.
“Something else happen between you and Rae?”
I squint at him. “No. Why? Sarah said her not going has nothing to do with me.” Even if I don’t believe it.
“She was acting distant. Usually it’s because—“
“I fucked up? Right. It must be all my fault.”
“If the shoe fits…”
Miles looks up from his phone and stares at Joel before glancing at me.
“Fuck you, Joel. Like I don’t feel shitty enough.”
“And whose fault is that? All you do is grumble and complain and get wasted. The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a liquor bottle, despite what you might think.”
Fuck him. But I can’t even argue. I haven’t figured shit out. I’m taking all liberal arts classes this semester because I have no clue what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know what I want. I try to get a better mindset or pull myself out of this hole and it feels like I dig myself in deeper.
Miles clears his throat. “I think Joel might be suggesting that you drink less and try to sort out—“
I throw my hand up as I rise from the table. “I get it, okay? I fucking get it. Thanks for the pep talk, assholes. I’ll see you later.”
I stomp away from them, tossing my lunch violently into the garbage and slamming the tray down on top.
Good to know even my friends think I’m a piece of shit. I thought we were supposed to have each other’s backs and support each other, not drag each other down. I know not every choice I’ve made has been the best, but they could at least not be assholes when they talk to me about it. Great, now I feel like shit all over again. Might as well lean into, right? At least I can get drunk on decent beer tonight.
Rae
Amanda and I are dripping with sweat as we get back to our dorm after our first kickboxing class. I’m lost in my own world, thinking about the interview tomorrow and getting a little anxious, more in an excited way than anything else, but I know it’s going to be hard to sleep tonight.
“What are you thinking about?”
“The interview. I don’t know, now I’m thinking I kinda want to go to that party tonight, but I don’t want to get stuck there all night. And I definitely don’t want to drink. I want to be fresh-faced for tomorrow.”
“Well, let’s go by ourselves, then. We can grab dinner first off campus and then go. I have to be up early anyway, so I’ll leave with you whenever you want.”
“You’ll sneak there with me without everyone else?”
Nodding, she laughs. “Why don’t you just become a spy?”
“Because I cry at everything and I have a sensitive stomach.”
She laughs out loud. “You’re ridiculous. Okay if I take a shower first? My hair is disgusting with sweat and it’ll take forever to wash.”
“Yeah, go for it. I get it. I miss my long hair, but it was a pain in the ass to wash.” I cut my hair just past my shoulders over winter break. It sounds cliché, but it was like a weight coming off. I’m glad I did it.
