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I blink at him. “That must be hard for your mom.”
He shrugs one shoulder. “It is what it is. It’s a part of marriage. No one is perfect all the time. Ma says it’s her turn to give one hundred percent right now.”
I tilt my head. “I thought it was all about how relationships should be fifty-fifty.”
He shakes his head. “Ma always told me that relationships as a whole should be a balance, but that doesn’t mean it’s always an even split. Sometimes one person has to put in more of the work and the time because the other can’t. It shouldn’t be like that all the time, but sometimes things happen and one person needs more support. Not just in marriage, but life.” He stops and looks at me, wincing as he says the following words. “When you love someone, sometimes you have to love them through the hard stuff.” He heaves out a sigh. “I’m sorry, A. We didn’t do a great job of that when you needed us.”
“I didn’t make it easy.”
That launches him into a laughing fit, which gets me going, too. He’s holding his ribs and wiping his eyes when he’s done. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh at that, but it was a real shitshow. And it feels good to laugh.”
I grab my water bottle and chug a bunch of it. My throat is raw from laughing about nothing, but I think that’s the best kind of laughter. “It was a real shitshow. I didn’t know how to talk about what was hurting me, and I didn’t understand what I needed. I’m still figuring it out.”
“All the more reason that we should’ve—” He stops and tilts his head back and forth. “Not gone easier on you, necessarily, but handled it differently. We should’ve been more supportive and tried to guide you out of the darkness instead of chucking a rope into the black and yelling at you to find it.”
I nod slightly. Chucking a rope into the black. I bite my cheek and fidget with the cap on my bottle, getting lost in my thoughts. I really did feel like I was stuck in the pitch black and couldn’t find any way out. Even with Rae. Hell, especially with Rae. It was like she kept screaming that she was right there, but I couldn’t figure out where she was. She might’ve been there, but I didn’t need her on the outside calling to me. I needed her to wade into the darkness and not give up until she found me.
Not give up.
My heart shudders and suddenly feels like the life is being squeezed out of it. I needed her to hold on. I might’ve been the one to end things, but she didn’t fight me on it. If things had been reversed, there’s no way I would have let her break up with me. What would’ve happened if she’d fought for me instead of pushing me away when I needed her the most? Given how I was handling everything, that thought seems selfish. But would it have been?
“A? Where’d you go?”
My eyes meet Miles’s.
How long did I zone out for?
“Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“Is it selfish that I wish Rae would’ve held onto me, fought for me, and not let me go when I was obviously struggling? I know I was being a dick and pushing her away, but I needed her. I needed her to hold on, and she didn’t. When she walked out on me that morning, it was like it was all the proof I needed that she didn’t care enough, or that I wasn’t worth it.”
He looks at me thoughtfully. “No. I think she should have. Don’t get me wrong. The way you were treating her wasn’t right, but I guess I felt like she should’ve seen through that. We all should have. Looking back, I think she could have fought harder for you. Joel even said that to her, I think.”
I scoff at that. “Joel? Please, he’s Team Rae all the way.”
Miles’s brow furrows. “He does tend to choose her, but he cares about you, too.”
Not as much, I think.
“You okay?” Miles asks.
Am I? The realization that most people in my life probably weren’t there for me the way I needed them to be doesn’t feel great. It’s not like I blame them for how things went, but it’s hard knowing that most everyone was frickin’ pissed at me and thinking I was an asshole, rather than recognizing I was acting that way because something was wrong.
“Yeah. I’m okay. Just realizing how fucked this school year has been and how much blame I’ve taken when maybe I shouldn’t have.”
Miles lets out a chuckle. “Pretty sure we should get you a T-shirt that says that. You’ve always been that way. Partly because you like to fix things and take care of people. Partly because you’re an idiot.”
I roll my eyes. “Thanks for that.”
He smacks my arm and smirks at me. “Any time. But seriously, just know that from now on, I’m here. I’ve got your back. I promise.”
I nod. “Thanks.”
The door swings open and Rae glides into the room, looking like a flurry of emotions. I can tell she’s here because she wants to talk, but when she sees Miles, she stops in place.
Her eyes lock on me before drifting back to Miles, then she walks over to him and plants a juicy kiss on his cheek as he laughs. She drops onto the table in front of him and takes his hands.
