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A short laugh burst from Moni’s throat. “Love is alwaysweird.”
“I don’t think we’re at love yet,” Ninasaid.
Moni raised her eyebrows. “Maybe not you, buthim…”
“We’ve had one date!” Nina protested, her breath catching in herthroat.
“This time,” Moni said. “But you have history, and…” She shook her head. “Nevermind.”
“No fair. What were you going tosay?”
“I’m pretty sure Liam was in love with you then, before all the stuff that happened with Jack. He just assumed he had plenty of time to sayit.”
Nina’s heart was crushed inside a giant fist as scenes from their breakup played over her mind: the wounded expression on Liam’s face, the surprise in his eyes, like he couldn’t believe she would hurt him the way she had, the way he’d walked backwards as he put distance between them, like he wasn’t ready to say goodbye in spite of everything that hadhappened.
“Why didn’t he just say it?” Ninaasked.
“Would it have made a difference?” Moniasked.
Nina thought back to the day she’d gone down to the stoop to meet Liam after avoiding his calls. She’d only just returned from the horrific trip to Paris and the sex club where Jack had taken her to watch other women go down on him. She’d fled the city with nothing but her handbag, her phone still in the possession of the club’s security guards. It had been the ultimate walk of shame — a one-way flight from Paris to New York in evening clothes, her face stained with mascara from all hertears.
She hadn’t been in a good place when she’d finally talked to Liam. The debacle with Jack had wounded her more than she would have expected, opening her up to all the warning signs she’d ignored, not just about Jack, but about herself. She’d needed to regroup, find her footingagain.
“I guess not,” Ninasaid.
Moni nodded. “Does it feel different thistime?”
Nina thought about it, wanting to give the question the consideration it deserved. “Actually, no. It feels just as fun and easy and safe as it did before. But I feeldifferent.”
“How so?” Moniasked.
“When I first moved here after the divorce, I felt so jaded.” She laughed a little. “It’s funny thinking about it now. I didn’t know anything, hadn’t doneanything.”
“You’d been married and divorced,” Moni saidgently.
“To the same man I’d been dating since college,” Nina said. “And yeah, the experience helped me grow, but I hadn’t dated a lot of different people, hadn’t explored myself, sexually or otherwise. You know how it was when we were younger — you go to school, play the field with the goal of finding the right guy, get married, have kids. Anything else was a…” She struggled for the rightword.
“Deviation?”
Nina sighed. “Exactly. And who wanted todeviate?”
“We thought we were so enlightened in the 80s and 90s,” Moni said. “And I guess we were compared to our parents, but most of us still got married tooyoung.”
“I had no idea who I really was then. Maybe I’ll never know, because it always seems tochange.”
“But now you know you don’t know,” Monisaid.
“Exactly. But I do know some of my limits, my lines in the sand. And I know some of the things I don’twant.”
“Maybe that’s as good as it gets,” Moni said. “If we’re doing it rightanyway.”
“What do you mean?” Ninaasked.
“What’s the alternative? Reaching some predetermined point and calling ourselves done? No,thanks.”
Nina nodded. “But then how can we ever know it will work with someone? How can we make that commitment when we’re all changing all thetime?”
“I don’t know,” Moni admitted. “Maybe we figure out the things we don’t want and stay open to the possibilities, try to share the journey with people who love and accept us and are also open to thepossibilities.”
Nina laughed. “Soundsrisky.”
“So’s crossing the street, but I don’t want to stay on one side my whole life. Doyou?”
