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26
He was still asleepwhen she eased out of bed in the morning. Situated away from the loft’s biggest windows, the bedroom was dark, but a glance at her phone told her it was just after sixa.m.
Her heart expanded as she looked down at him, his face peaceful in repose, his muscular body only half hidden by the sheet. He was the most beautiful man she’d ever known, in more ways than one, and she tried to imprint the image on her mind, wishing she could immortalize it in amber where it would be perfectly preserved far into thefuture.
He sighed in his sleep and she padded barefoot from theroom.
Their clothes were still by the sofa where they’d left them the first time they made love. Afterwards they laid on the couch for a long time before moving to the bedroom, where they’d stayed awake most of the night, touching and kissing and having sex and talking about anything and everything but the offer from WFAI. It had felt like their moments together were receding, like she could already see them through the lens of memory in spite of her promise to be present, to enjoy every moment without thought of the future. She thought he might feel it too, thought she saw it in the way his eyes lingered on her face, his touch alternating between unbelievably tender and so urgent she thought he might devour herwhole.
Despite the fact that they didn’t talk about the future, she was almost positive he suspected she’d heard back from WFAI. Still, she wasn’t surprised he didn’t ask, that he was letting her find her way on her own, trusting that she would come to him when she was ready. It was another sign of his generosity, his selflessness, that he didn’t press her even when the weight of her decision sat between them like aghost.
When she had all her clothes on she walked quietly to the door, put on her shoes, and slipped from theapartment.
She waited for the elevator, original to the old factory building and still a little creaky, hoping Liam wouldn’t wake up until she got back. She felt like a thief even as she knew he would understand the need for fresh air and morning sky, for solitude and her own quietfootsteps.
When the elevator reached the ground floor, she exited into the empty lobby and made her way to the big double doors that faced thestreet.
The fresh air hit her as soon as she stepped outside. The cold of winter had been replaced with the warmth of late spring, the promise of summer’s coming humidity not yet fulfilled, and she headed toward the East River without thinking, her body drawn to its peaty scent, laced with the brine of theocean.
She breathed it in and turned her face to the sun, letting her eyes close briefly against the brightness of it as shewalked.
Her mind had been foggy when she’d left the apartment, but by the time she reached the waterfront she was fully alert. Except for a lone jogger making his way along the path next to the water, she was alone, and she leaned against the railing, watching two boats glide over the waves. She suddenly wanted to be out there, looking back on the city from a distance, free of all itsmelodrama.
Free of allhers.
She closed her eyes and let the night before play behind her eyelids: Liam’s expression of concentration as he moved inside her, the pleasure wrought by his hands on her body, the feel of his arms wrapped tightly around her, like he never wanted to letgo.
She saw him as she’d seen him two years earlier, back when she thought he was way too young and way too good looking for her, back when she felt past her prime. She’d drowned in his blue eyes a thousand times since that day, and the slow grin that had once taken her by surprise now stopped her heart on a regular basis, but she knew what she had todo.
If she was honest with herself, she’d alwaysknown.
Turning down the opportunity with WFAI to go to South Africa with Liam would be a step backward, a return to the Nina who did whatever felt good at the time, whatever kept her from thinking too hard about her life and her choices. It would be letting someone else take charge, maybe not the way she’d let Peter take charge, definitely not the way she let Jack take charge, but she’d be engaged in Liam’s mission for Liam’swork.
She didn’t doubt that she would learn from the experience, but it would be a borrowed one. It would never really be hers, and there would be a part of her that would know she’d made the decision to go with him because she was afraid — of losing him and of taking a bigger risk on her own. He deserved better thanthat.
So didshe.
She remembered their conversation when Liam had asked her to go to South Africa, his promise that it wasn’t an ultimatum, that they would work it out if she decided not togo.
Was it true? Would she fly to Africa to visit? Would he come to India? Would they meet back in New York when it was all over and pick up where they left off? Or would they both be so changed that it wouldn’t work anymore, the way it had been with Peter when they’d met fordrinks?
She didn’t have the answers, and she wasn’t going to lie to herself and pretend shedid.
Anything could happen. Anything atall.
The words wrapped themselves around her heart, sent a knot of dread into herstomach.
“Anything can happen.” She said it softly, letting the wind take the words out over the river like a prayer, willing it to dispel her fear. And then, more loudly this time. “Anything canhappen.”
The fear was still there, but now she realized there was something else behind it, behind her sadness at having to say goodbye to Liam. There was a thrill of excitement, of possibility. It mingled with her fear until she didn’t know where one ended and the other began, until she realized they were equal parts of the same whole, hopelesslyintertwined.
She was surprisingly okay withit.
She turned away from the water and started back toward Liam’s, stopping for coffee and the croissants he loved so much. When she got back to his apartment, he was waiting for her at the kitchen table, his expressionsomber.
She held up the coffee and food. “I broughtbreakfast.”
He held her hand over the table while she told him everything. When she was done, a long silence settled between them, their coffee and croissantscold.
He took a deep breath and sighed, his smile almost breaking her heart. There was sadness in his eyes, but mostly there waslove.
So,” he said, “India.”
She squeezed his hand. “India."
