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I cleared my throat. “I don’t suppose you have a picture of her?”
“I do, actually.” Tess got up and came over to sit beside me on the couch. She pulled up a photo on her phone and passed it to me.
My hand shook a little as I took it. “That’s her?” The tightness in my throat made my voice rough. Erin’s face looked so familiar it took my breath away.
“She looks just like you,” Tess said, leaning in closer to gaze at the photo with me. “It’s uncanny, isn’t it?”
“She looks exactly like my sister at that age.” Both my other kids, Jack and Maddy, took after my ex-wife. I couldn’t get over the fact that I had a daughter I’d never met who looked so much like me. She’d been out there all these years, walking around with my smile on her face. “My mom’s going to love her—assuming Erin wants to meet her, that is.”
“I have a feeling she probably will eventually.” Tess cut a glance at me. “Do your parents know about her?”
I shook my head. “I never told anyone, like you asked.”
It was the only thing Tess had let me do for her back then, and I’d made damn sure I didn’t fuck it up. I’d never told a single living soul about Tess being pregnant or the baby she’d given up for adoption. Not my parents, not my twin sister, not even my wife years later. I’d kept the secret for Tess like she’d wanted, which meant I’d never been able to talk about it or unburden myself to anyone. I’d carried it deep inside me all these years like a wound that had never fully healed.
As I stared at the picture, something loosened in my chest. For the first time, it didn’t feel so much like a wound anymore. It felt like a miracle.
I set my glass down on Tess’s coffee table and reached up to wipe my eyes. “I can’t believe it’s really her. That’s our daughter.”
Tess laid her hand on my arm. “I know.” Her voice sounded as rough as mine.
I covered her hand with mine, tangling our fingers together, and we leaned against each other as we looked at the miracle we’d made.
CHAPTERFIVE
TESS
On Saturday, I walked into a coffee shop in Edgewater and laid eyes on my daughter for the first time in twenty-nine years and six months.
She was sitting at a table by herself, her chin resting in her hand as she gazed down at the mug in front of her. As soon as I recognized her, I froze in panic, wishing I’d accepted Donal’s offer to come with me.
He was so much better at this kind of thing than I was. You’d never know it by the way he usually acted toward me, but he could be incredibly disarming. People tended to take an instant liking to him. Me, not so much.
If I was being honest, that was partially why I hadn’t wanted him to come with me today. I was afraid of being overshadowed by him. I was the one who’d nurtured Erin in my body for nine months and endured the side effects of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth to bring her into the world. All Donal had done was have an orgasm and fuck off to Yale without a care in the world. I deserved this chance to get to know my daughter without being outshone by him.
Admittedly, I had felt a little bad about rejecting his offer when I saw how much it hurt his feelings. I hadn’t expected him to be so emotionally invested in all of this. He’d been so hostile when he first showed up at my apartment, I’d expected him to say he didn’t want to have anything to do with Erin. But there’d been actual tears in his eyes when I showed him her photo. And the way his whole body had sagged when he found out I’d had a girl…it was like he’d been given the answer to a question he’d been searching for all his life.
Maybe he had, in a way I hadn’t appreciated. I hadn’t been in the best place, mentally or emotionally, in the weeks following the birth. Which he would have known, if he’d ever bothered to check on me. He’d known my due date. If he’d wanted to find out how things had turned out, he could have taken five minutes to call and ask. But he’d been too busy enjoying his freshman year of college, I guess.
Whatever. He had his own kids now, so he must be more into the whole dad thing these days.
Come on, feet, you can do this. One in front of the other. Pretend it’s free cookie samples over there instead of a terrifying conversation I’ve been waiting thirty years to have.
I was still trying to pep talk myself into moving when Erin looked up and saw me. The first time our eyes met, I felt it like a jolt of electricity.
She got to her feet, and I finally managed to propel myself forward. “Are you Tess?” she asked as I approached. Her voice was as beautiful as her face.
I smiled, blinking away the sting of tears in my eyes. “That’s right. You’re Erin.”
She nodded, looking every bit as nervous as I felt.
Wanting to ease her discomfort, I widened my smile and extended my hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Erin.”
My heart did a weird pitter-patter in my chest as we shook hands. It felt like a litter of puppies were scampering around in there. This was the first time I’d touched her since I’d given birth to her, and I was struck by an overwhelming urge to wrap my arms around her and clutch her to my chest. But something told me I shouldn’t do that. It was too soon. Or maybe it was too late. Maybe she wouldn’t ever want anything like that from me. If so, that would have to be okay. Whatever she wanted, I was determined to be okay with it. My heart puppies would just have to settle down and take a nap.
I made myself let go of her hand. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long.”
“I got here ten minutes early. I was a little anxious, I guess.”
