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My smile faded as I held her gaze. “I don’t know your parents, but from what you’ve said about them, they probably did a better job raising you than Tess and I would have at that point in our lives. Historically, eighteen-year-olds don’t tend to win parent of the year competitions.”
The conversation came to a halt as our waiter reappeared. Erin hadn’t eaten much and I’d eaten even less, but we both indicated he could take our plates away.
“Can I ask you something?” she said once he’d gone.
“Anything.”
“You knew about me, right?”
“Yes.”
“Did you ever think about me?”
“All the time,” I told her, feeling an echo of the ache I’d carried around for most of my life. “For the first five years or so, I probably thought about you every single day, wondering where you were and if you were all right. Over time, the not knowing receded from an acute pain to a dull one, but it never went away. And then it got worse again for a while after Maddy and Jack were born. Having them reminded me of everything I’d missed out on with you—and everything I’d failed to do for you.”
“So it’s okay that I found you?” Her hopeful, uncertain expression cracked my heart wide-open.
“It’s better than okay.” I reached across the table, offering my hand, and a lump formed in my throat when she slipped her fingers into mine. “I’m really, genuinely grateful you did. You have no idea what a relief it is to know you grew up safe and cared for.”
She squeezed my hand before releasing it. “But you never wanted to look for me?”
“I thought about it.” Frowning, I dropped my gaze to the table where our hands had been joined a moment ago. “But I wasn’t sure Tess would want me to, and I didn’t know any of the details of your birth, so I would have had to talk to her.”
“I gather you two weren’t in touch before I came looking for you.”
“Not so much, no.” I chewed the inside of my lip as I fought a pang of regret. “I think what really stopped me from looking for you was that I was afraid you wouldn’t want me turning up out of the blue and forcing my way into your life. If you were happy with the way things were, I didn’t want to disrupt that.”
“Do you think Tess—” Erin stopped and pressed her lips together. “No, never mind.”
“What?” I couldn’t help pressing, my curiosity piqued. “I said you can ask me anything.”
“But this isn’t a question about you. I’m not sure it’s fair to ask for your opinion about her under the circumstances.” Erin stared at her hands, rubbing her fingers over her knuckles in a way that reminded me of Tess.
“I used to know her pretty well,” I offered. “If you want my advice, all you have to do is ask.”
She seemed to consider this for a moment before making a decision. “Do you think she minds that I tracked her down?”
“Of course not,” I answered automatically. “Obviously it’s a huge development, but only in the best kind of way. Why would you ask that?”
“No reason, really. She’s been lovely. It’s just, she doesn’t have kids, which makes me think she never wanted them, and here I am, the child she gave away”—Erin’s eyes met mine as she repeated my words back to me—“turning up out of the blue and forcing my way into her life.”
“You’re not forcing anything,” I assured her. “If Tess hadn’t wanted to know you, she wouldn’t have let anyone or anything pressure her into answering that message from you. Trust me.”
“Okay, good.”
As I watched Erin chew on her lip, I debated how much I should interfere in her relationship with Tess. I knew Tess well enough to know how hard she could be to read—and the more nervous she was about a situation, the more impenetrable she became. I could guess how difficult Erin was finding it to interpret her vibe.
“Listen.” I leaned forward and rested my forearms on the table. “The thing you should understand about Tess is that she’s not someone who easily expresses emotions or affection, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’tfeelemotions and affection. I know she’s as glad as I am to have found you, even if she comes across a little reserved.”
She seemed to relax. “That’s helpful. Thank you for telling me that.”
“You’re welcome.”
“It sounds like you two were pretty close.”
“For a while we were—a long time ago.”
“But you didn’t stay that way?”
