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“Things didn’t exactly end well between us.” A fresh lance of regret stabbed through me at the memory of my conversation with Tess last weekend.
I couldn’t believe all this time she’d actually believed I hadn’t wanted anything to do with her or the baby. At least her hostility made more sense now. No wonder she’d hated me. She’d thought I’d turned my back on her willingly, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. I’d been devastated to lose her. The only reason I’d walked away was because she’d told me to. And I’d spent the last thirty years resenting her for it.
God. We really had been idiots back then. Both of us.
I cleared my throat, uncomfortably aware of Erin watching me. “Tess mentioned that you asked if we were in love when she got pregnant. Why did you want to know? Does it matter to you?”
Erin’s gaze lowered as her cheeks pinked with embarrassment. “It’s just something I used to wonder when I was younger and I’d make up stories in my head about who my birth parents were. I guess I was curious to know what the real story was. I didn’t mean to make either of you uncomfortable by asking.”
“No, it’s fine.” I rubbed my thumb across my palm. “We hadn’t been seeing each other very long when Tess got pregnant.”
“She said you were friends.”
“We were. All through school. But being more than that was still new when she found out she was pregnant. I can’t speak for Tess—I don’t really know how she felt about me back then—but I cared about her. A lot. I thought…” I had to take a breath before I could say it. “I thought I loved her.”
I’d never told anyone that before. Tess hadn’t just been a hookup for me. I’d wanted more, and I’d been working my way up to telling her that, but something had held me back. Fear of scaring her off maybe. She’d seemed so adamant about keeping our relationship a secret, I hadn’t been convinced she saw me as serious boyfriend material. And the way things shook out, it seemed pretty clear I was right. But I’d wanted to make Tess my girlfriend, and I’d been planning to ask her to prom. Foolishly, I’d even begun toying with the possibility of going to Northwestern instead of Yale to stay close to her.
“Shit.” I rubbed my forehead, embarrassed by my confession. “I don’t know why I told you that.”
“Did she know?” Erin asked.
I shook my head. “I never got around to telling her.”
“Because of me.”
“No.” I lifted my head, frowning as I met her gaze. “Not because of you. Because ofme. Because of problems between me and Tess that had nothing to do with you.”
“But if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, then maybe—”
“The problems were already there. They would have bubbled up one way or another. I’m just sorry that…” I shook my head, not really sure how to put all my regrets into words Erin would be able to understand. “I’m sorry that you came along at a point in my life when I wasn’t able to be a father to you.”
“It must be strange, knowing you’ve got a child who was raised by someone else.”
“It is. It feels like I failed you.”
“You shouldn’t feel like that.” Her smile was unbearably kind. “My dad’s great—the dad who raised me, I mean.”
I nodded to show her I understood. “He’s your real dad. I’m just the DNA donor.”
“I had a good father, so you didn’t fail me. I had everything I needed growing up.” This time she was the one who reached across the table, and I slid my hand gratefully into hers. “But I’m glad that now I have you too.”
CHAPTERNINE
TESS
I was dying to know how Donal’s lunch with Erin had gone. I’d offered to go with him, but of course he’d declined. Which—fine. I recognized it was only fair after I’d rejected his offer to come along when I met her. Didn’t mean I liked it. There were too many things that could go wrong.
For starters, what if Erin liked Donal more than she liked me? That one wasn’t so much a worry as an inevitability. Everyone liked Donal more than they liked me. He was easygoing and personable, while I generally came off as unapproachable and uptight. I’d tried my best to be warm and welcoming when I’d met Erin, but I wasn’t a naturally effusive person. I’d never beat Donal in a personality contest.
In addition, he had parenting experience I lacked. He’d raised two kids and knew how to be a father and therefore knew how to relate to his children on a level I could never fathom. I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother, and I had no idea how to act around Erin, or any innate sense of what she needed from me.
There was no changing these essential facts of the situation. Erin would instantly be charmed by Donal’s open, friendly manner and respond to his natural paternal instincts. From this day forward, he’d be her favorite biological parent.
And that was without even getting into the fact that I was the one who’d made the decision to give her up. If Erin was going to resent anyone, it would be me. While Donal once again got off scot-free.
What if they ganged up on me? Donal could tell Erin his version of events and paint me as the villain who’d kept them apart. There would be nothing I could do to prevent it. If he chose to throw me under the bus, I’d be stuck to the tire treads like a pancaked frog.
I was torn between believing it was exactly what I deserved and resenting that I was at Donal’s mercy. He’d said he wanted us to act like a team, so presumably I was supposed to trust he wouldn’t do anything to undermine my relationship with Erin. That sounded great in theory, but in practice I found it difficult to trust him.
